I've now seen Frozen three times in the theater, all three times with Willow Grace. I had the privilege this last time to see it with my parents; my sister, Eva Joy; and my three year old nephew, Frazier. On Tuesday, we went to see the singalong version. So much fun!
What a delight to sit there in our tiny theater surrounded by children singing joyfully and laughing boisterously! For weeks now, ever since we saw the movie around Thanksgiving, my own sweet girl has been belting out the songs from the movie. My baby can sing!
Each time I hear the amazingly talented Idina Menzel sing "Let It Go" (or watch Willow Grace perform her own dramatic rendition and, of course, sing along with her) I can't help but think about the things in my own life that I've held on to for far too long or the things that are holding me back. Do I have any fears that I've allowed to take root in my soul? What habits, beliefs, thoughts, or behaviors do I allow to continue that are keeping me from the freedom to be who God has created me to be? Do I see my life clearly, or am I mistaking my blessings for curses or vice versa?
I want to sing about letting things go and really mean it.
So, here I sit, pondering these things, formulating a plan. I started this post a few days ago, and I've revised and erased and rewritten and stared at it. Honestly, sometimes it's really hard to let go... until you do, and then there's freedom. And so here I am -- dreaming of the freedom and plotting my journey to get there.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Friday, February 07, 2014
Monday, May 16, 2011
Ooops. Try Again Tomorrow.
Every morning when I wake up the first thing I see is a small sign which sets on my shelf with the message “Trust Me Always, Love God.” And I always try to make the first words out of my mouth be based on Psalm 118:24, “This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.” It’s an effort to get my day started off focused on Christ and not on all the things that could potentially go wrong, be annoying, or get me off track.
Well, this morning, for whatever reason, I forgot.
And, please know, I’m not actually saying that things went downhill because of that lapse in memory, but….
I was running ten minutes late on my way to drop of Willow Grace with Mom this morning. And so I was distracted and was speeding which led to me getting pulled over and receiving a ticket. The officer was calm but also felt the need to tell me that he was annoyed with me. Did you know that you’re supposed to stay ½ a mile behind a police car? That’s what he told me. I was following him too close, apparently. He was speeding; I was behind him. He slowed down, got behind me, and pulled me over.
I shared with one of my classes all that I’ve just written and told them, rather tongue-in-cheek, that they could feel free to blame anything bad in their day on me today since I had forgotten to center my trust and thanksgiving on the Lord this morning. Happy to play along, so far, the students have blamed me for bad grades, forgotten homework, misbehaving in class, and a small assortment of other frustrations.
Ah well…. You can be sure I will be mindful to start my day off right tomorrow.
Well, this morning, for whatever reason, I forgot.
And, please know, I’m not actually saying that things went downhill because of that lapse in memory, but….
I was running ten minutes late on my way to drop of Willow Grace with Mom this morning. And so I was distracted and was speeding which led to me getting pulled over and receiving a ticket. The officer was calm but also felt the need to tell me that he was annoyed with me. Did you know that you’re supposed to stay ½ a mile behind a police car? That’s what he told me. I was following him too close, apparently. He was speeding; I was behind him. He slowed down, got behind me, and pulled me over.
I shared with one of my classes all that I’ve just written and told them, rather tongue-in-cheek, that they could feel free to blame anything bad in their day on me today since I had forgotten to center my trust and thanksgiving on the Lord this morning. Happy to play along, so far, the students have blamed me for bad grades, forgotten homework, misbehaving in class, and a small assortment of other frustrations.
Ah well…. You can be sure I will be mindful to start my day off right tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
In Thinking About Success
How do you measure the success of a day, a year, or even your life? Yesterday, I was quite productive. Being off of work, I managed to clean almost the entire house, take the recycling to the recycling center, go to the grocery store, take Willow Grace out to lunch and tend to her all day, make dinner, and finish a bit of laundry. I even started the day with devotional time. I did not, however, get the mid-month bills paid or work out. Was it a successful day? Partially successful? What even makes up the criteria for which this could be judged? I tend to be consistently optimistic and yet rigidly hard on myself. So while I feel buoyed by the fact that I accomplished so much, I also berate myself for not finishing all the tasks I set out to complete. My quest, as in all things, is to discover the correct response to this query and then to attempt to adapt that into my life. We're supposed to work diligently and to be responsible for what is put before us while making our lives be about God and others and not just ourselves. In examining myself, I must ask the question: Is this how I live my life? And that simply cannot be answered once and allowed to rest. It's an every day, every moment, kind of question.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Love, Nephrology & Play Dates
This morning I heard a preacher say something that I've been chewing on mentally all day. In dealing with the subject of judging, he said that God had shown him that it's God's job to judge, the Holy Spirit's job to convict, and our job to love. Love. Love. Love. That's what we are supposed to be all about. There's so much more that can be said to break this all down more, but I'm just mulling it all over and purposing to live it out.
Update on Willow Grace:
I can't believe that we've been home from the hospital for a little over a month! Yesterday we had our check up with the nephrologist (kidney doctor). Everything went well, except for having to have blood taken (oh, the wailing!) and the fact that the initial tests indicate that her little kidneys are having to work too hard. At this moment, I am actually waiting for a call from Vandy Children's to let us know what the further tests and labs indicate and what we might need to do to help her to fully recover. Really, we have two options. Either she'll need to take medicine to help her kidneys function better, or we'll just wait, monitor her progress, and check everything again in a month or two. I'm praying for the latter. The doctor also said that we need to keep her our of school for another week to allow her immune system to get a bit stronger. She's still so different than she was before this whole thing began. Her energy level is lower as is her appetite, and she still gets me up between 2-3 AM every morning. I really could use more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night!
We were blessed with two snow days this week. I know that many people here in Middle Tennessee have had most or even the entire week off, but working in a private school changes the rules on that a bit. On Tuesday, my friend Ralanna brought over her two beautiful little girls, Kassidy and Addy, to play with Willow Grace. When they first arrived, Willow Grace was overjoyed and seemed just like any other little girl her age. They all immediately put on princess dresses, and started playing with the tea set and Disney princess dolls and running all over the house. It was absolutely delightful watching those three little beauties dancing around each other chattering incessantly and giggling over all sorts of silliness. However, about 45 minutes into their visit, Willow Grace became increasing quiet. She wasn't interested in wearing her princess dress or playing with anything. She just wanted to be near me and to sit on the couch and watch her beloved Veggie Tales. They still stayed for another hour or so, and she was happy to have them there but just didn't have the energy to join in. When they left, it was time for dinner which I had to feed to her myself and wake her up in between bites. She was in bed for the night by 6 PM!
I hope you have a wonderful weekend. And don't forget to be purposeful in loving others!
Update on Willow Grace:
I can't believe that we've been home from the hospital for a little over a month! Yesterday we had our check up with the nephrologist (kidney doctor). Everything went well, except for having to have blood taken (oh, the wailing!) and the fact that the initial tests indicate that her little kidneys are having to work too hard. At this moment, I am actually waiting for a call from Vandy Children's to let us know what the further tests and labs indicate and what we might need to do to help her to fully recover. Really, we have two options. Either she'll need to take medicine to help her kidneys function better, or we'll just wait, monitor her progress, and check everything again in a month or two. I'm praying for the latter. The doctor also said that we need to keep her our of school for another week to allow her immune system to get a bit stronger. She's still so different than she was before this whole thing began. Her energy level is lower as is her appetite, and she still gets me up between 2-3 AM every morning. I really could use more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night!
We were blessed with two snow days this week. I know that many people here in Middle Tennessee have had most or even the entire week off, but working in a private school changes the rules on that a bit. On Tuesday, my friend Ralanna brought over her two beautiful little girls, Kassidy and Addy, to play with Willow Grace. When they first arrived, Willow Grace was overjoyed and seemed just like any other little girl her age. They all immediately put on princess dresses, and started playing with the tea set and Disney princess dolls and running all over the house. It was absolutely delightful watching those three little beauties dancing around each other chattering incessantly and giggling over all sorts of silliness. However, about 45 minutes into their visit, Willow Grace became increasing quiet. She wasn't interested in wearing her princess dress or playing with anything. She just wanted to be near me and to sit on the couch and watch her beloved Veggie Tales. They still stayed for another hour or so, and she was happy to have them there but just didn't have the energy to join in. When they left, it was time for dinner which I had to feed to her myself and wake her up in between bites. She was in bed for the night by 6 PM!
I hope you have a wonderful weekend. And don't forget to be purposeful in loving others!
Monday, January 03, 2011
Fresh Perspective and Resolutions
This morning I stood just outside my mom's storm door watching Willow Grace wave to me and blow me kisses. After every summer, Christmas break, and spring break I have a hard time leaving her once again, and this morning I felt that familiar twinge, that wrenching feeling tugging at my heart. And yet, as I peered back through the glass and skipped off towards my little car, I couldn't help but smile. The fact that I was leaving her meant that she is well enough for me to return to work. She is well and getting healthier every day. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
In the last couple days I've heard several stories about other parents who have recently lost their children - to illness, accidents, and suicide. One of those families has a story similar to ours. They took their young daughter to the emergency room a couple weeks ago, and just like us they were encouraged to take her home. We were blessed to have an amazing nurse who was a strong advocate for us and enabled us to stay at the hospital, which was good because it wasn't until the next day that we found out how serious Willow Grace's condition was. This other family, they took their little girl home, and just a few days before Christmas she died. My heart grieves for that mother and father and for all those who love that little girl. As I go to sleep each night, I pray for them. In the middle of the night, I wake up praying for them, and I do the same when I wake in the morning. This could have so easily been us, and I am so very grateful that at this moment my dear girl is sleeping peacefully in her own bed just down the hall.
All of these stories have reminded me of what a great war we wage each day. This isn't all just happenstance; we have a real enemy who daily seeks to wreck our lives, ripping apart our families and stealing our peace in any way he can. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10 NKJV) We have to fight for each other. We have to fight for our children, our families, and others who do not yet know how to fight for themselves. The first and most important step in this is faith-filled prayer. It's the most powerful weapon we have. I'm committing myself to pray more for others this year than I ever have.
One other thing I've decided to do is start writing again in my grateful journal. I used to be quite faithful in writing down 3-5 things each day for which I was grateful, but somewhere along the line in the last few years I seriously started slacking in that department. I really want to live in gratitude, constantly aware of how God has blessed my life, and so, at least a few times a week I plan to jot down a few of those blessings.
Here's what I'll be adding tonight:
1. Shared a delicious breakfast at Lovelace Cafe with 130+ co-workers and some of my dearest friends this morning
2. Had a great conversation on the phone with a sweet friend whom I haven't been able to talk to in quite while
3. Woke early this morning and had good devotional time with my Savior
4. Was able to start working out again this morning. Love Pilates!
5. Had a fun trip to the grocery store with Willow Grace and enjoyed "oohing" and "ahhing" at the last of the Christmas light displays with her on the way home
In the last couple days I've heard several stories about other parents who have recently lost their children - to illness, accidents, and suicide. One of those families has a story similar to ours. They took their young daughter to the emergency room a couple weeks ago, and just like us they were encouraged to take her home. We were blessed to have an amazing nurse who was a strong advocate for us and enabled us to stay at the hospital, which was good because it wasn't until the next day that we found out how serious Willow Grace's condition was. This other family, they took their little girl home, and just a few days before Christmas she died. My heart grieves for that mother and father and for all those who love that little girl. As I go to sleep each night, I pray for them. In the middle of the night, I wake up praying for them, and I do the same when I wake in the morning. This could have so easily been us, and I am so very grateful that at this moment my dear girl is sleeping peacefully in her own bed just down the hall.
All of these stories have reminded me of what a great war we wage each day. This isn't all just happenstance; we have a real enemy who daily seeks to wreck our lives, ripping apart our families and stealing our peace in any way he can. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10 NKJV) We have to fight for each other. We have to fight for our children, our families, and others who do not yet know how to fight for themselves. The first and most important step in this is faith-filled prayer. It's the most powerful weapon we have. I'm committing myself to pray more for others this year than I ever have.
One other thing I've decided to do is start writing again in my grateful journal. I used to be quite faithful in writing down 3-5 things each day for which I was grateful, but somewhere along the line in the last few years I seriously started slacking in that department. I really want to live in gratitude, constantly aware of how God has blessed my life, and so, at least a few times a week I plan to jot down a few of those blessings.
Here's what I'll be adding tonight:
1. Shared a delicious breakfast at Lovelace Cafe with 130+ co-workers and some of my dearest friends this morning
2. Had a great conversation on the phone with a sweet friend whom I haven't been able to talk to in quite while
3. Woke early this morning and had good devotional time with my Savior
4. Was able to start working out again this morning. Love Pilates!
5. Had a fun trip to the grocery store with Willow Grace and enjoyed "oohing" and "ahhing" at the last of the Christmas light displays with her on the way home
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Refocus
Whenever I look back over my life and find moments or even long periods of floundering in stress and emotional struggles, I cannot help but notice and admit that whatever difficulty I may have been facing was made so much worse if I failed to spend time in prayer and the Scriptures. Confusion, emotional strain, depression, feeling overwhelmed - all of these and more start to creep in when I like, Peter, take my eyes off of Jesus and look at the storm raging all around me. In truth, the reason why I handled my time so well at Willow Grace's side in the hospital is because I spent so much time all day long and even in the night watches praying, reading the Bible, and listening to good preachers of faith on the internet. I surrounded myself with scriptures in our little room, posting them at eye level so that in whichever direction I or anyone else looked, even in the bathroom, there was something uplifting to encourage our spirits. Indeed, there were times when a doctor or nurse would stand there, wearing some dark expression, and gravely utter some negative report, and I, instead of meditating on that human reasoning, chose instead to focus on the promises my dear Lord gave me ages ago.
After we all returned home from the hospital we struggled to return to some sense of normalcy, and in my desire to return my home to a somewhat organized state focused more on that than I did on spending time with my Savior. I began to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and I realized once again that I had made a poor trade - organization for time with the Lord. My heart, mind, and emotions all began to betray me and travel down paths devoid of the Lord's calling. We are still adjusting and working through Willow Grace's recovery. She continues to improve more and more each day. She is actually sleeping between 11-14 hours each night! Her little body (and I do mean little, as she lost so much weight) is busy in the healing process. However, in most respects, things have calmed down considerably, and so, I now readjust and refocus and thank my God that all along the way He is with me, gently leading me back into His presence and in the way I should go. I confess that I so desperately need Him, and that is one place of desperation for which I am not ashamed.
After we all returned home from the hospital we struggled to return to some sense of normalcy, and in my desire to return my home to a somewhat organized state focused more on that than I did on spending time with my Savior. I began to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and I realized once again that I had made a poor trade - organization for time with the Lord. My heart, mind, and emotions all began to betray me and travel down paths devoid of the Lord's calling. We are still adjusting and working through Willow Grace's recovery. She continues to improve more and more each day. She is actually sleeping between 11-14 hours each night! Her little body (and I do mean little, as she lost so much weight) is busy in the healing process. However, in most respects, things have calmed down considerably, and so, I now readjust and refocus and thank my God that all along the way He is with me, gently leading me back into His presence and in the way I should go. I confess that I so desperately need Him, and that is one place of desperation for which I am not ashamed.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
My own Christmas miracle....
That's how I'll remember this December. How else can one explain the rapid recovery my girl has made from this illness? Despite the predictions of the doctors, the way the illness was progressing, and the standard recovery time for HUS, we are going home weeks ahead of schedule. Prayer works. I had asked that everyone pray that we make it home by Christmas, and the doctors are now telling us that not only will we be home for Christmas, we should be going home on Saturday or Sunday! Amazing! Praises fill my heart.
Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness; drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day!
How can I help but sing when I look at my little girl's face, no longer constantly strained in pain or ghostly white? Praise the Lord for the great things He has done!
(Our happy Willow Grace tonight after receiving a holiday Barbie from our dear friend, Leslie)
Tomorrow, Willow Grace will have surgery some time in the morning to have the catheter removed from her tummy. Depending on how everything goes, she may or may not need to have a blood transfusion. We're praying that all goes well and no transfusion is needed. After that, we'll watch her blood levels and her nutrition, and those two things will determine when she will be released to go home. Home. That sounds so good and so hopeful to me now.
The last two days have been so joyful. Constant good news and lots of play time with my sweet girl. She's actually been out of bed singing, dancing, and walking around. While she's still be a bit wobbly on her feet, she has still managed to make the most of what energy she does have. We also finally gained clearance today to be taken off of "no contact" when her final culture came back declaring her free of e. coli! Before that came through, however, the physical therapist gained special permission for her to leave the room. The condition was that she had to suited up in a special yellow gown and hospital gloves. We told her that we needed to put her princess gloves on and a special Belle gown, and she was more than happy to comply!
(Willow Grace in the hospital playroom in her "princess" gown and gloves)
I know I've said this dozens of times here and in emails and on Facebook, but thank you so much for all your prayers. We appreciate them more than I can ever express. And I now ask that you continue to pray for us. Pray us home. And pray for Willow Grace during her surgery tomorrow, for the rest of her recovery here and at home, for our transition back to "normal" life after being in the hospital for so long.
Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness; drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day!
How can I help but sing when I look at my little girl's face, no longer constantly strained in pain or ghostly white? Praise the Lord for the great things He has done!
(Our happy Willow Grace tonight after receiving a holiday Barbie from our dear friend, Leslie)Tomorrow, Willow Grace will have surgery some time in the morning to have the catheter removed from her tummy. Depending on how everything goes, she may or may not need to have a blood transfusion. We're praying that all goes well and no transfusion is needed. After that, we'll watch her blood levels and her nutrition, and those two things will determine when she will be released to go home. Home. That sounds so good and so hopeful to me now.
The last two days have been so joyful. Constant good news and lots of play time with my sweet girl. She's actually been out of bed singing, dancing, and walking around. While she's still be a bit wobbly on her feet, she has still managed to make the most of what energy she does have. We also finally gained clearance today to be taken off of "no contact" when her final culture came back declaring her free of e. coli! Before that came through, however, the physical therapist gained special permission for her to leave the room. The condition was that she had to suited up in a special yellow gown and hospital gloves. We told her that we needed to put her princess gloves on and a special Belle gown, and she was more than happy to comply!
(Willow Grace in the hospital playroom in her "princess" gown and gloves)I know I've said this dozens of times here and in emails and on Facebook, but thank you so much for all your prayers. We appreciate them more than I can ever express. And I now ask that you continue to pray for us. Pray us home. And pray for Willow Grace during her surgery tomorrow, for the rest of her recovery here and at home, for our transition back to "normal" life after being in the hospital for so long.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Faith, Sleep, and Making Lists
Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (KJV)
Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired. (AMP)
True faith is praying for rain and then carrying an umbrella, living expectantly. We are living expectantly, and yet my heart is still filled with wonder and amazement as I listen to Willow Grace's doctors tell me that she is improving quicker than normal. Now, instead of predicting that we will be here for another four weeks, they are telling us it will be closer to a week or possibly two! I know that prayer works and that it is working in the life of our little girl and in our own hearts. Today she was able to get out of bed for just a bit for a little physical therapy. It's heart-breaking to see the fear in her eyes as she wobbles around painfully on her little legs which she hasn't really used in the last two weeks, and yet she refused to quit trying. Such a determined, brave little girl!
And yet, I confess that, physically, I have, at times, grown weary and tired, and I have lost my patience and felt the weight of this ordeal bearing down on me. And I have looked to sleep as the only solution for curing my intense fatigue. Of course, I do need sleep, and a good night's rest certainly does help to refresh one's perspective, but it is not a lasting solution. Truly, the only thing that has carried me through this is faith. Faith in God. Faith that He will see us through this. Faith that He can take this awful circumstance and bring from it something beautiful.
Tonight, once again, my energy has been nearly depleted. I will lay down my head searching for some peace and sweet sleep, and yet if my girl needs me in the night, as has been the case several times a night every night we've been here, I will somehow call up any energy I may have in reserve and tend to her. Thank God for the blessing of three women in my life, (my sweet Mama, my mother-in-law Donitta, and my dear friend Leslie) who have been staying the nights with me here in the hospital, sitting by Willow Grace's bedside so that I might get some rest. How they have ministered to me and to Willow Grace! I am overwhelmingly grateful for the gift of their presence and how they have tenderly loved and taken care of my little family.
A couple years ago I developed a new habit. I try every night when I go to bed to focus on something positive before I go to sleep. If I can't sleep, I try listing things alphabetically in my head like things having to do with Christmas (Advent, Bethlehem, caroling...), people I love (Donitta, Eva Joy, Frazier...), or the attributes of God (gracious, holy, inspiring...); or I might focus on a scripture or something He's done in my life or the lives' of those I know. Tonight, I'll be focusing on the scripture above and praying that He renews my strength and the strength of all those parents, grandparents, and friends who are watching over children in this hospital tonight.
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (KJV)
Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired. (AMP)
True faith is praying for rain and then carrying an umbrella, living expectantly. We are living expectantly, and yet my heart is still filled with wonder and amazement as I listen to Willow Grace's doctors tell me that she is improving quicker than normal. Now, instead of predicting that we will be here for another four weeks, they are telling us it will be closer to a week or possibly two! I know that prayer works and that it is working in the life of our little girl and in our own hearts. Today she was able to get out of bed for just a bit for a little physical therapy. It's heart-breaking to see the fear in her eyes as she wobbles around painfully on her little legs which she hasn't really used in the last two weeks, and yet she refused to quit trying. Such a determined, brave little girl!
And yet, I confess that, physically, I have, at times, grown weary and tired, and I have lost my patience and felt the weight of this ordeal bearing down on me. And I have looked to sleep as the only solution for curing my intense fatigue. Of course, I do need sleep, and a good night's rest certainly does help to refresh one's perspective, but it is not a lasting solution. Truly, the only thing that has carried me through this is faith. Faith in God. Faith that He will see us through this. Faith that He can take this awful circumstance and bring from it something beautiful.
Tonight, once again, my energy has been nearly depleted. I will lay down my head searching for some peace and sweet sleep, and yet if my girl needs me in the night, as has been the case several times a night every night we've been here, I will somehow call up any energy I may have in reserve and tend to her. Thank God for the blessing of three women in my life, (my sweet Mama, my mother-in-law Donitta, and my dear friend Leslie) who have been staying the nights with me here in the hospital, sitting by Willow Grace's bedside so that I might get some rest. How they have ministered to me and to Willow Grace! I am overwhelmingly grateful for the gift of their presence and how they have tenderly loved and taken care of my little family.
A couple years ago I developed a new habit. I try every night when I go to bed to focus on something positive before I go to sleep. If I can't sleep, I try listing things alphabetically in my head like things having to do with Christmas (Advent, Bethlehem, caroling...), people I love (Donitta, Eva Joy, Frazier...), or the attributes of God (gracious, holy, inspiring...); or I might focus on a scripture or something He's done in my life or the lives' of those I know. Tonight, I'll be focusing on the scripture above and praying that He renews my strength and the strength of all those parents, grandparents, and friends who are watching over children in this hospital tonight.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
I Should Be Asleep But....
I just had to record my thoughts first.
Early this morning I slipped out of our little hospital room, leaving my sweet friend, Leslie, who had stayed the night with us, and Willow Grace asleep; and I wandered downstairs to grab a bit of breakfast. As soon as I stepped out of the elevator, my ears were met by the swell of a piano and the most soulful voice. At first, being so early I felt that it must be a recording, and yet I could not help but go in search of the source which I soon discovered to be in the little hospital chapel. A young black man sat alone in the chapel playing the baby grand and singing out in earnest praises to the Lord. I slid into a rocking chair in the back of the room and closed my eyes letting the words swirl around in my head and calm my heart. It was just a few moments of listening to someone else singing worship songs, and yet it was as good as any church service I could have attended.
After a few songs, he stopped, and I inquired, "So, is this something you do every Sunday, or are you a patient's dad?" To which he replied, "No, actually, I work here. I try to come before my shift so I can worship the Lord and spend a little time in His presence." He went on to tell me that he works in critical care. He describe how everyone becomes really attached the children in the hospital under their care and how hard that is, especially in critical care. Sometimes those children are here for months, and sometimes after all that time they lose them. "It's really hard when a child passes," he told me. "Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is coming down here and worshipping the Lord." He asked me about my own situation, and I told him about Willow Grace and our time here. After we talked for a while longer, he asked me if he could pray with me. Taking both of my hands in his own, he uttered the most beautiful, complete prayer including not only Willow Grace and her healing but also our whole family and every doctor, nurse, caregiver, and visitor who came in and out of our room. He prayed a special blessing over After the prayer, he hugged me and headed on upstairs to start his shift while I continued my journey to the cafeteria trying not to shed tears (even tears of joy and hope)so early in my day. What a blessed way to start my day!
Oh, how I needed that this morning. Willow Grace continues to improve though there are still so many challenges each day. Apparently she has developed an infection at the site of her picc line. She's been running a fever all weekend, and they did some tests to determine the cause. And so, they decided to give her two different kinds of antibiotics to cure the infection. The first one was fine, but the second one caused red man syndrome. In case you're not familiar with this condition, it's when a drug causes a person's head, neck, and sometimes torso to turn red and start itching terribly. Willow Grace had a terribly reaction. She was thrashing about violently, scratching her head frantically with both hands, and screaming. It was horrendous. The nurses decided to give her some Benedryl by IV which caused another crazy reaction. At first she calmed down, and then suddenly she was screaming, kicking, and thrashing about on the bed. Though Benedryl by IV can cause an adverse reaction in children, the severity of Willow Grace's reaction alarmed the nurse, and she gave Willow Grace some Tylenol and paged the doctor. A few moments after she had the Tylenol, in the middle of a crying out, she fell fast asleep, absolutely exhausted. The doctor came to examine her and determined that she would be fine. And most of the rest of the afternoon and evening, she has slept.
I'm hoping that she cotinues to sleep tonight, letting her little body heal and also allowing me to get some rest. I am one very, very tired mommy.
Early this morning I slipped out of our little hospital room, leaving my sweet friend, Leslie, who had stayed the night with us, and Willow Grace asleep; and I wandered downstairs to grab a bit of breakfast. As soon as I stepped out of the elevator, my ears were met by the swell of a piano and the most soulful voice. At first, being so early I felt that it must be a recording, and yet I could not help but go in search of the source which I soon discovered to be in the little hospital chapel. A young black man sat alone in the chapel playing the baby grand and singing out in earnest praises to the Lord. I slid into a rocking chair in the back of the room and closed my eyes letting the words swirl around in my head and calm my heart. It was just a few moments of listening to someone else singing worship songs, and yet it was as good as any church service I could have attended.
After a few songs, he stopped, and I inquired, "So, is this something you do every Sunday, or are you a patient's dad?" To which he replied, "No, actually, I work here. I try to come before my shift so I can worship the Lord and spend a little time in His presence." He went on to tell me that he works in critical care. He describe how everyone becomes really attached the children in the hospital under their care and how hard that is, especially in critical care. Sometimes those children are here for months, and sometimes after all that time they lose them. "It's really hard when a child passes," he told me. "Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is coming down here and worshipping the Lord." He asked me about my own situation, and I told him about Willow Grace and our time here. After we talked for a while longer, he asked me if he could pray with me. Taking both of my hands in his own, he uttered the most beautiful, complete prayer including not only Willow Grace and her healing but also our whole family and every doctor, nurse, caregiver, and visitor who came in and out of our room. He prayed a special blessing over After the prayer, he hugged me and headed on upstairs to start his shift while I continued my journey to the cafeteria trying not to shed tears (even tears of joy and hope)so early in my day. What a blessed way to start my day!
Oh, how I needed that this morning. Willow Grace continues to improve though there are still so many challenges each day. Apparently she has developed an infection at the site of her picc line. She's been running a fever all weekend, and they did some tests to determine the cause. And so, they decided to give her two different kinds of antibiotics to cure the infection. The first one was fine, but the second one caused red man syndrome. In case you're not familiar with this condition, it's when a drug causes a person's head, neck, and sometimes torso to turn red and start itching terribly. Willow Grace had a terribly reaction. She was thrashing about violently, scratching her head frantically with both hands, and screaming. It was horrendous. The nurses decided to give her some Benedryl by IV which caused another crazy reaction. At first she calmed down, and then suddenly she was screaming, kicking, and thrashing about on the bed. Though Benedryl by IV can cause an adverse reaction in children, the severity of Willow Grace's reaction alarmed the nurse, and she gave Willow Grace some Tylenol and paged the doctor. A few moments after she had the Tylenol, in the middle of a crying out, she fell fast asleep, absolutely exhausted. The doctor came to examine her and determined that she would be fine. And most of the rest of the afternoon and evening, she has slept.
I'm hoping that she cotinues to sleep tonight, letting her little body heal and also allowing me to get some rest. I am one very, very tired mommy.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
"What We Have Here Is... Failure to Communicate"
Today I was reminded of those famous words above from Cool Hand Luke. (If you haven't seen the movie, you should. So amazing.)
Twice today I had people show up at the door to Willow Grace's room ready to perform different medical procedures of which we had not been informed. Needless to say, this was quite unsettling. First, while Willow Grace was taking a rather satisfying nap, a man opened the door to her room and entered pulling a large machine behind him announcing that he was ready to do a chest x-ray. A chest x-ray? Why? He didn't know; it was just his job to do the x-ray. About thirty minutes later, a nurse stepped inside and said, "OK, we're almost ready to put in her feeding tube. She's not going to like this at all, and she'll probably get pretty upset!" Really? This is how they choose to let me know about these things? I had to step into the bathroom and try to pull myself together after hitting one of those emotional breaking points. I sat down on the edge of the tub and cried and prayed.
I thought, "Here we go again... more opportunities to see if I can walk in love. I put these scriptures up all over the room for a reason." Today, I kept seeing Isaiah 26:3 which is posted on the door going into the bathroom, "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You." Each time I see that scripture, I choose once again to trust, and in return I immediately feel God's peace wash over me.
I couldn't handle staying in the room while they put the feeding tube in. I stepped outside feeling like I had abandoned my little girl in a time of need and had just completely failed as a mother in that moment. And even in that moment of despair, God brought two people into my life to show me how much He cares. First was the mother of two of my former students who is also a nurse. She was about to head into my room to assist with the procedure. She hugged me and lovingly explained everything to me. After she went inside I stepped a couple doors down into the nutrition room to get some ice water, and I met Victor the maintenance man. He told me about doing the same thing with his daughter, "They were about to put a big ol' needle in her back, and I thought, 'Now I gonna be a man about this,' but I just couldn't. I had to go out in the hall and wait. You OK. Your little girl is gonna be OK," he told me. He talked to me a bit more and made me smile and told me he'd be praying for me.
(Willow Grace after they put the feeding tube in)
Later, one of the doctors from the nephrology team came up to apologize about the breakdown in communication. She admitted that someone should have come and explained everything to me just after they made their decisions. She didn't make any excuses for their actions; she just apologized. And I found out that some of the information I was given earlier was faulty. It turns out that Willow Grace needed the chest xray to determine why she was having such a hard time breathing and to see if she had fluid on her lungs, and she needed the tube, which is not be used as a feeding tube, to help release some of the pressure on her tummy during dialysis. Apparently the dialysis is causing her intestines to press up on her lungs which is causing her to breathe really shallow. I told them I understood that all of this was needed to help her, but I would have appreciated a "little heads up" next time.
So, today, has been a difficult day - for those reasons and also because my sweet girl has been in a lot of pain. Any parents who may be reading this understand; I wish I could take that pain away so badly. And so I pray, kneeling next to her bed, as I pace around the room, and sometimes when I retreat to the bathroom to hide my tears from her searching eyes. It's a bit funny to me that the little hospital bathroom has become my "prayer closet," but I think it's as good a place as any.
Twice today I had people show up at the door to Willow Grace's room ready to perform different medical procedures of which we had not been informed. Needless to say, this was quite unsettling. First, while Willow Grace was taking a rather satisfying nap, a man opened the door to her room and entered pulling a large machine behind him announcing that he was ready to do a chest x-ray. A chest x-ray? Why? He didn't know; it was just his job to do the x-ray. About thirty minutes later, a nurse stepped inside and said, "OK, we're almost ready to put in her feeding tube. She's not going to like this at all, and she'll probably get pretty upset!" Really? This is how they choose to let me know about these things? I had to step into the bathroom and try to pull myself together after hitting one of those emotional breaking points. I sat down on the edge of the tub and cried and prayed.
I thought, "Here we go again... more opportunities to see if I can walk in love. I put these scriptures up all over the room for a reason." Today, I kept seeing Isaiah 26:3 which is posted on the door going into the bathroom, "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You." Each time I see that scripture, I choose once again to trust, and in return I immediately feel God's peace wash over me.
I couldn't handle staying in the room while they put the feeding tube in. I stepped outside feeling like I had abandoned my little girl in a time of need and had just completely failed as a mother in that moment. And even in that moment of despair, God brought two people into my life to show me how much He cares. First was the mother of two of my former students who is also a nurse. She was about to head into my room to assist with the procedure. She hugged me and lovingly explained everything to me. After she went inside I stepped a couple doors down into the nutrition room to get some ice water, and I met Victor the maintenance man. He told me about doing the same thing with his daughter, "They were about to put a big ol' needle in her back, and I thought, 'Now I gonna be a man about this,' but I just couldn't. I had to go out in the hall and wait. You OK. Your little girl is gonna be OK," he told me. He talked to me a bit more and made me smile and told me he'd be praying for me.
(Willow Grace after they put the feeding tube in)
Later, one of the doctors from the nephrology team came up to apologize about the breakdown in communication. She admitted that someone should have come and explained everything to me just after they made their decisions. She didn't make any excuses for their actions; she just apologized. And I found out that some of the information I was given earlier was faulty. It turns out that Willow Grace needed the chest xray to determine why she was having such a hard time breathing and to see if she had fluid on her lungs, and she needed the tube, which is not be used as a feeding tube, to help release some of the pressure on her tummy during dialysis. Apparently the dialysis is causing her intestines to press up on her lungs which is causing her to breathe really shallow. I told them I understood that all of this was needed to help her, but I would have appreciated a "little heads up" next time.
So, today, has been a difficult day - for those reasons and also because my sweet girl has been in a lot of pain. Any parents who may be reading this understand; I wish I could take that pain away so badly. And so I pray, kneeling next to her bed, as I pace around the room, and sometimes when I retreat to the bathroom to hide my tears from her searching eyes. It's a bit funny to me that the little hospital bathroom has become my "prayer closet," but I think it's as good a place as any.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
New Mercies
Morning comes a lot earlier for me these days since Chris and I are shift sleeping, and my shift ends by 2 AM. As I sat here in the dark listening to the two people who are most precious to me sleep, I started to softly sing, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness, oh, Lord, great is Thy faithfulness." Do I really believe this? Absolutely. Every morning, I awake and feel as if the Lord has refilled my cup, and I find that I have more faith, hope, joy, and love than I did the day before. Not only is His faithfulness great, but He enables me to be more faithful not only to Him but to all those around me.
My God certainly gave us new mercies and proved Himself to be faithful yesterday as, after days of watching my sweet Willow Grace laying in bed limp as a rag doll, she woke ready to make up for lost time and began to talk nonstop! The first thing she did was tell us that her Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was in the car and we needed to go get it! We were scrambling for socks and shoes and keys, and Chris made the joyful and rash promise that not only could she have Rudolph but anything else in the world she wanted! It's a good thing that really is all she wanted. Whew!
I can't tell you what a joy it was to hear that sweet, yet hoarse, voice squeaking my name and asking questions and showing more of that spunky character we have come to love. She entertained the nurses and doctors and any other visitors who came in the room, and it was absolutely joy-inducing to witness the smiles and hear all the laughter caused by my delightful little girl. So far, she hasn't laughed or even smiled herself, but maybe today or tomorrow we'll get to experience that much anticipated event.
She is still quite pale, weak, and can't eat anything. I can't believe that she hasn't eaten in more than a week now! The dialysis machine perks along, and the plan is still to have her on it indefinitely. She's covered in wires and tubes. She has a little wire on her finger which takes her blood oxygen level and heart rate and has a red light that causes her finger to glow. She tells everyone that she has a Rudolph on her finger. (:
(She loves books. In the picture, you can see Rudolph over her left shoulder, her Rudolph book tucked just behind her, and her little lighted finger. She knows all the words to the song!)
Here are a few things that you can pray for:
1. Her blood oxygen level keeps dropping, and when it drops too much they have to put the tubes back in her nose which, of course, she hates.
2. Pray that her little kidneys will start functioning well on their own.
3. Pray that she will be able to eat something soon and keep it down.
4. She needs an extra measure of patience. As you can imagine, she doesn't want to be in this bed any more. Of course, after she sits up for about a minute, she has to lay back down exhausted.
5. When the dialysis starts each new cycle it really hurts her. They've given her morphine a couple times to help her manage, but I really don't want her to have much of that, and it also makes her really itchy. Pray that God will take away the pain.
Thank you so much for thinking of us here in this little room and for praying for us. It means so much to know that people outside what has become our world care about what's happening here and are lifting us up in prayer. We love you and appreciate you more than you know.
Lamentations 3:21-26 (ESV)
"But this I call to mind,and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.'"
My God certainly gave us new mercies and proved Himself to be faithful yesterday as, after days of watching my sweet Willow Grace laying in bed limp as a rag doll, she woke ready to make up for lost time and began to talk nonstop! The first thing she did was tell us that her Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was in the car and we needed to go get it! We were scrambling for socks and shoes and keys, and Chris made the joyful and rash promise that not only could she have Rudolph but anything else in the world she wanted! It's a good thing that really is all she wanted. Whew!
I can't tell you what a joy it was to hear that sweet, yet hoarse, voice squeaking my name and asking questions and showing more of that spunky character we have come to love. She entertained the nurses and doctors and any other visitors who came in the room, and it was absolutely joy-inducing to witness the smiles and hear all the laughter caused by my delightful little girl. So far, she hasn't laughed or even smiled herself, but maybe today or tomorrow we'll get to experience that much anticipated event.
She is still quite pale, weak, and can't eat anything. I can't believe that she hasn't eaten in more than a week now! The dialysis machine perks along, and the plan is still to have her on it indefinitely. She's covered in wires and tubes. She has a little wire on her finger which takes her blood oxygen level and heart rate and has a red light that causes her finger to glow. She tells everyone that she has a Rudolph on her finger. (:
(She loves books. In the picture, you can see Rudolph over her left shoulder, her Rudolph book tucked just behind her, and her little lighted finger. She knows all the words to the song!)
Here are a few things that you can pray for:
1. Her blood oxygen level keeps dropping, and when it drops too much they have to put the tubes back in her nose which, of course, she hates.
2. Pray that her little kidneys will start functioning well on their own.
3. Pray that she will be able to eat something soon and keep it down.
4. She needs an extra measure of patience. As you can imagine, she doesn't want to be in this bed any more. Of course, after she sits up for about a minute, she has to lay back down exhausted.
5. When the dialysis starts each new cycle it really hurts her. They've given her morphine a couple times to help her manage, but I really don't want her to have much of that, and it also makes her really itchy. Pray that God will take away the pain.
Thank you so much for thinking of us here in this little room and for praying for us. It means so much to know that people outside what has become our world care about what's happening here and are lifting us up in prayer. We love you and appreciate you more than you know.
Lamentations 3:21-26 (ESV)
"But this I call to mind,and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.'"
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Walking in Love
For me, walking in love means so many things right now.
1. Obviously, I'm busy with loving my sweet family -- Willow Grace as she recovers in this hospital bed, and my husband Chris as we walk this road together.
2. I've had to choose to walk in love and forgive the doctor who almost sent us home from the ER on Wednesday, a decision that would have had harsh consequences.
3. I'm overwhelmed at the love others are showing me through this whole process. I am truly walking around bathed in the love being poured into my life through prayers, gifts, visits, and words of encouragement.
4. And, as I journey through this trial, I feel the love of my Heavenly Father washing over me every step of the way.
From about 1:30 this morning until our first guests arrived, I sat in the sturdy Cracker Barrel rocking chair beside Willow Grace's hospital bed praying and watching her looking dazed and confused. As a steady stream of visitors (21 in all) wandered in and out of our little room, she was either staring off into space or sleeping. I hoped all day for more response from her, and yet she remained mostly quiet and still. This is totally normal after all that she's been through, but my mother's heart could not help but hope to hear my little girl's voice sweetly chirping my name or to see even the hint of a smile.
The good news: The nephrologist (kidney specialist) who is taking care of Willow Grace said that she is doing better than expected and that the dialysis is progressing a bit faster than expected. She is now in her 28th hour on the dialysis machine, and there have been no complications. At this point, she will be on the machine indefinitely. Though she had to have a transfusion when her red blood count dropped to 20 last night, she did well with the transfusion. She was finally able to get more nourishment tonight when they switched her to a TPN, a bag of nutrients given through her picc line which includes electrolytes, protein, carbohydrates, and sugar.
Other tidbits: For those of you who have asked, you cannot treat HUS with antibiotics. It actually feeds the bacteria and causes it to grow. As to how long we'll be here, the doctor told us that it would be another 2-6 weeks. The last two patients who were recently treated with this here were released after 4 and 6 weeks. I am praying that we will be home by Christmas! Willow Grace is not allowed to be around children under the age of 5 for at least two more weeks because HUS is very contagious for children but does not affect adults.
Since she hasn't been sleeping much at night, Chris and I have been sleeping in shifts, reluctant to leave her awake in the middle of the night alone. I get the first shift. Below is the scripture I am meditating on tonight as I lay my head down to rest. I hope that it encourages you as much as it does me.
Psalm 37:3-7a (New King James Version)
3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.5 Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. 6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. 7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him....
1. Obviously, I'm busy with loving my sweet family -- Willow Grace as she recovers in this hospital bed, and my husband Chris as we walk this road together.
2. I've had to choose to walk in love and forgive the doctor who almost sent us home from the ER on Wednesday, a decision that would have had harsh consequences.
3. I'm overwhelmed at the love others are showing me through this whole process. I am truly walking around bathed in the love being poured into my life through prayers, gifts, visits, and words of encouragement.
4. And, as I journey through this trial, I feel the love of my Heavenly Father washing over me every step of the way.
From about 1:30 this morning until our first guests arrived, I sat in the sturdy Cracker Barrel rocking chair beside Willow Grace's hospital bed praying and watching her looking dazed and confused. As a steady stream of visitors (21 in all) wandered in and out of our little room, she was either staring off into space or sleeping. I hoped all day for more response from her, and yet she remained mostly quiet and still. This is totally normal after all that she's been through, but my mother's heart could not help but hope to hear my little girl's voice sweetly chirping my name or to see even the hint of a smile.
The good news: The nephrologist (kidney specialist) who is taking care of Willow Grace said that she is doing better than expected and that the dialysis is progressing a bit faster than expected. She is now in her 28th hour on the dialysis machine, and there have been no complications. At this point, she will be on the machine indefinitely. Though she had to have a transfusion when her red blood count dropped to 20 last night, she did well with the transfusion. She was finally able to get more nourishment tonight when they switched her to a TPN, a bag of nutrients given through her picc line which includes electrolytes, protein, carbohydrates, and sugar.
Other tidbits: For those of you who have asked, you cannot treat HUS with antibiotics. It actually feeds the bacteria and causes it to grow. As to how long we'll be here, the doctor told us that it would be another 2-6 weeks. The last two patients who were recently treated with this here were released after 4 and 6 weeks. I am praying that we will be home by Christmas! Willow Grace is not allowed to be around children under the age of 5 for at least two more weeks because HUS is very contagious for children but does not affect adults.
Since she hasn't been sleeping much at night, Chris and I have been sleeping in shifts, reluctant to leave her awake in the middle of the night alone. I get the first shift. Below is the scripture I am meditating on tonight as I lay my head down to rest. I hope that it encourages you as much as it does me.
Psalm 37:3-7a (New King James Version)
3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.5 Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. 6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. 7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him....
Day of Dialysis
It's just after 2:30 AM, and I am sitting here watching all the little machines working on/monitoring Willow Grace as she watches episodes of My Friends Tigger and Pooh on DVD. (Why oh why did they decide to take that show off of Playhouse Disney!?!) So far she's seemed a bit dazed and has responded very little. And I wonder what is going through that sweet little mind. I know she doesn't understand what has happened/is happening to her, and she's just trying to focus on something familiar like her beloved Tigger. She has had neither anything to eat nor a bath since Tuesday, and I know that adds to her level of comfort.
Saturday morning, we started out thinking that we'd be going through another day of observation, and I hoped to get a nap in somewhere since I'd only taken in about three hours of sleep Friday night. However, it wasn't long before we were informed that Willow Grace had not progressed like we had hoped and dialysis was needed. The surgical team and the picc line team was called, and around 2 PM we all headed down for surgery. They put in a picc line and pernineal catheter, and the surgery went very well. Not long after we were back in our room, and they were preparing the dialysis machine. For now, the treatment is continuous. That little dialysis machine is putting in a lot of work!
While standing there watching her little groggy face, the fact that I had not eaten all day and the tension I'd been feeling finally caught up to me, and I felt the world begin to spin just a bit. My lovely Moma, my mother-in-law, Donitta, my sweet Aunt Ruby, and my dear friend, CB, were all on hand to make sure I rested and that Chris and I finally got some food in us. The blessings of strong, Godly women are immeasurable.
For now, we're just talking all of this a day, an hour, a moment at a time. The docs have said that we'll be here at least another 10-14 days. Interestingly enough, the nurse on duty tonight has a daughter who had HUS when she was about Willow Grace's age. They where in the hospital for six weeks. That was about 20 years ago, and we are praying for a speedy recovery and a much shorter stay!
Our God is faithful and true. I feel peace knowing that He is holding her in His mighty hands which are so much for capable than mine or any doctor's. While it's amazing to me, I can rest in the truth that He loves her so much more than even I do. Healing is hers and ours, and I'm thanking God for the mighty work that He has begun in her and is carrying on to completion. I will ever praise Him!
Saturday morning, we started out thinking that we'd be going through another day of observation, and I hoped to get a nap in somewhere since I'd only taken in about three hours of sleep Friday night. However, it wasn't long before we were informed that Willow Grace had not progressed like we had hoped and dialysis was needed. The surgical team and the picc line team was called, and around 2 PM we all headed down for surgery. They put in a picc line and pernineal catheter, and the surgery went very well. Not long after we were back in our room, and they were preparing the dialysis machine. For now, the treatment is continuous. That little dialysis machine is putting in a lot of work!
While standing there watching her little groggy face, the fact that I had not eaten all day and the tension I'd been feeling finally caught up to me, and I felt the world begin to spin just a bit. My lovely Moma, my mother-in-law, Donitta, my sweet Aunt Ruby, and my dear friend, CB, were all on hand to make sure I rested and that Chris and I finally got some food in us. The blessings of strong, Godly women are immeasurable.
For now, we're just talking all of this a day, an hour, a moment at a time. The docs have said that we'll be here at least another 10-14 days. Interestingly enough, the nurse on duty tonight has a daughter who had HUS when she was about Willow Grace's age. They where in the hospital for six weeks. That was about 20 years ago, and we are praying for a speedy recovery and a much shorter stay!
Our God is faithful and true. I feel peace knowing that He is holding her in His mighty hands which are so much for capable than mine or any doctor's. While it's amazing to me, I can rest in the truth that He loves her so much more than even I do. Healing is hers and ours, and I'm thanking God for the mighty work that He has begun in her and is carrying on to completion. I will ever praise Him!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
An Elephant Named Ralph, Willow Grace, and God
Willow Grace w/her favorite buddy Ralph the elephant (11/25/10)Before we left for the ER on Wedneday, she made sure that she had him with her!Last night I laid here on this little couch in Willow Grace's hospital room watching her stare at the ceiling and occasionally at Mickey Mouse on TV. She slept very little which means that I slept very little. I think we must be near where the Life Flight helicopters take off and land. I stopped counting after I heard the fifth one, and I prayed for each of those pilots and patients and their families, and I am so grateful that though we are battling through this we are not dealing with some of harsher realities that other families are facing. And what's more and makes all the difference is that we have divine hope based on our faith in God. In my quiet moments, I've been praying not only for my little family but for all those who have found themselves in this place this week.
In case you haven't heard, Willow Grace was originally diagnosed with colitus and dehydration and then with e. coli poisoning and Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome (HUS)which attacks the red blood cells and kidneys. As of yesteray morning, her kidneys were functioning at about 25%. Antibiotics don't work on this. She is getting fluids by IV and lasiks. They are watching her very closely and have discussed with us the possibility of dialysis, and they told us that at the least we'd be here another week. Right now they are really concerned about her potassium levels and her platelets.
As unreal as all this still seems at times to me, I feel overwhelming peace and comfort. I know that this is due to the hundreds of prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf, and I am tremendously grateful for everyone who is praying for us. We need it and feel it. Please keep praying and thanking God for Willow Grace's healing. Also, I've been constantly choosing to put my faith in Christ. I've been reading the Bible, praying, and singing praise songs every chance I get.
Here are the two scripturs which are keeping me encouraged and which I posted on the large dry erase board in Willow Grace's room:
1 Peter 5:7 (New King James Version)
casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.
2 Timothy 1:7 (New King James Version)
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Once a teacher....
I am an English teacher, and that will always be part of me. It’s just not what I’m currently doing and haven’t since I had Willow Grace a little over 3 years ago. But I will always teach in some form, even if it’s an unconventional form. The last two years I worked for admissions, and I’m thrilled that this year finds me back in the classroom every day.
Current Job: Full time substitute teacher, middle and high school in a private Christian school
Job Satisfaction: Oh yeah!
This morning I sat in a sixth grade classroom listening to a girl praying for her classmates and their families. Through the wall, I could hear a third grade class next door singing “This is the Day” in their sweet little voices. Nearly every morning I sing that song myself, choosing to recognize that each day is a gift from God and also choosing to live my life in gratitude.
I love working in a Christian school. I love that at any moment you may walk into a classroom, office, or even hallway and find people praying. I love that our football teach sings “A Mighty Fortress is Our God” in the locker room before heading onto the field. And I am saddened that no everyone has that freedom, even in our country. Not trying to be political, just expressing my feelings… I’m not going to focus on the negative today. I really just want to express my gratitude for where God has assigned me. It has not always been easy. In fact, there have been moments, days, and even weeks when I thought about giving up and moving on. I’ve faced some of the hardest trials of my life here. But the Lord has kept me here, and I’m content to be here for as long as He wants.
Current Job: Full time substitute teacher, middle and high school in a private Christian school
Job Satisfaction: Oh yeah!
This morning I sat in a sixth grade classroom listening to a girl praying for her classmates and their families. Through the wall, I could hear a third grade class next door singing “This is the Day” in their sweet little voices. Nearly every morning I sing that song myself, choosing to recognize that each day is a gift from God and also choosing to live my life in gratitude.
I love working in a Christian school. I love that at any moment you may walk into a classroom, office, or even hallway and find people praying. I love that our football teach sings “A Mighty Fortress is Our God” in the locker room before heading onto the field. And I am saddened that no everyone has that freedom, even in our country. Not trying to be political, just expressing my feelings… I’m not going to focus on the negative today. I really just want to express my gratitude for where God has assigned me. It has not always been easy. In fact, there have been moments, days, and even weeks when I thought about giving up and moving on. I’ve faced some of the hardest trials of my life here. But the Lord has kept me here, and I’m content to be here for as long as He wants.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
My Simone of Cyrene
Luke 9:23
“Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.” (NKJV)
Matthew 27:32
“Now as they came out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. Him they compelled to bear His cross.”
Our lives are not without burdens, troubles, and difficulties; in fact, we have been called to take up our cross and follow Christ. But we were never meant to carry it alone. Most importantly, we have been told in I Peter 5:7, “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.” (AMP) Also, God has put us in communities – families, friendships, churches, small groups, etc. God puts people in our lives to help us on our journey and even with carrying our crosses, just as Simon of Cyrene carried Jesus’ cross for Him. Though I’m not sure if he realized the impact of this service at the time, what a privilege is was for him to assist the Lord in such a tangible manner! And what a privilege is it for us to serve one another. I hope that someone considers me a “Simon” in his/her life.
Do you have a Simon in your life?
One of my Simons is my dad – constantly taking time out of his day to edify me with scriptures and Godly counsel, passing on strength to me through prayer and encouragement, and making me laugh through hard circumstances. Because of his support, I’ve grown stronger, and I’m better than I ever could have been.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Dancing Raindrops
The roar of the old Rover thundering down the highway mixed strangely and yet somehow comfortingly with Norah Jones playing on my husband's IPOD. Our sweet girl in the backseat blissfully unaware of all around her slept undisturbed by the noise. So, I pulled my own blanket a little tighter to my chest and settled more comfortably into my seat. Peering towards my husband behind the wheel, I noticed just beyond him the dance of the raindrops on the window, two drops in particular frantically jitterbugging around each other, momentarily joining together and then bursting apart once again. On and on they went circling one another, confidently striking out on their own or even being forced apart by the relentless wind but every few seconds inexplicably finding their way back to each other again. Amused and in awe, I watched mesmerized wondering how long they could sustain their dance, but at once the action slowed as the two drops melted into one another and swirled gently around. Thinking the show was over I contemplated looking away, yet the drops suddenly separated into not just two but five, with three being considerably smaller. A family. The five danced together swirling around one another just as the two had done, venturing away from one another but always finding their way back.Just a few silly little raindrops — and yet my heart was pierced with beauty, sadness, joy, and hope. How can that be? How could something so seemingly insignificant touch me so deeply? Each day, each moment is filled with the possibility for these sorts of connections. A solitary leaf clinging stubbornly to an otherwise naked tree, the early morning discovery of a world covered in hitherto unmarred blankets of snow, happening upon a rainbow in the midst of a dreary day – all these call upon something deeper within us, something worthy of awe and reverence and, at least, our attention. What is it that we’re supposed to glean from all of this? It’s different… and the same… for all of us, and it’s all a part of our journey.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Vanity
Yesterday I was listening to a group of women discussing a recent episode of Oprah on which several women had received makeovers. Personally, I love makeover shows. It’s like watching Cinderella getting dolled up for the ball so that her outside finally matches the beauty within. However, that’s not where my head went while I was listening to the conversation.
I found myself examining my own outfit and feeling as if I had fallen so far short of the mark. Though I was wearing a relatively new pretty dress, it wasn’t quite new enough. I try very hard to get lots of wear out of my clothes and add t-shirts under or cardigans over my summer dresses, which is what I had done yesterday. Cute but not exactly the height of fall fashion. I actually hurried away from the women, anxious to get my unfashionable self back to my desk. My mind started running through all of the clothes in my closet, and suddenly none of it was good enough. How could I have missed how important fashion is? How could I have fallen so short of what a woman really should be?
And then…. Wait!
That’s when I remembered just how, in the greater picture of life, fashion really is low on the list of things that really are important. Where is my heart? Am I following after Christ? Am I loving and serving my family well? Do I try to help others in need? Am I living out the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) to the best of my ability?
I used to have Colossians 3:12-14 taped to the shelf in my closet, and tomorrow I plan to have it up there again. The most important thing we can clothe ourselves with is love. The rest is certainly has its purposes and really can be fun and help us to feel better about ourselves; but I really do need to keep it all in the right perspective.
Colossians 3:12-14
12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
I found myself examining my own outfit and feeling as if I had fallen so far short of the mark. Though I was wearing a relatively new pretty dress, it wasn’t quite new enough. I try very hard to get lots of wear out of my clothes and add t-shirts under or cardigans over my summer dresses, which is what I had done yesterday. Cute but not exactly the height of fall fashion. I actually hurried away from the women, anxious to get my unfashionable self back to my desk. My mind started running through all of the clothes in my closet, and suddenly none of it was good enough. How could I have missed how important fashion is? How could I have fallen so short of what a woman really should be?
And then…. Wait!
That’s when I remembered just how, in the greater picture of life, fashion really is low on the list of things that really are important. Where is my heart? Am I following after Christ? Am I loving and serving my family well? Do I try to help others in need? Am I living out the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) to the best of my ability?
I used to have Colossians 3:12-14 taped to the shelf in my closet, and tomorrow I plan to have it up there again. The most important thing we can clothe ourselves with is love. The rest is certainly has its purposes and really can be fun and help us to feel better about ourselves; but I really do need to keep it all in the right perspective.
Colossians 3:12-14
12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Faithfulness
I've been struggling with sleep all night. A bad headache and disturbing dreams have kept me awake. So, about an hour ago, I thought I'd come and catch up on some friends' blogs and perhaps get a little time in on Facebook. Mostly, I've been reading about all my friends' adoption struggles, shedding a few tears for them, praying for their strength and provision, and remembering how faithful our God is.
Truly, in this early hour (about 4:35 AM), I am overwhelmed with His faithfulness and His love. If He says that He will do it, you can count on it. Every day I choose to trust Him, and I purpose to rest in Him. It's not always easy (In fact, it's rarely easy.) when I look at my own struggles and the world around me. But I will not give up. And it does get so much easier when I choose to focus on Him and not the storm around me -- a lesson I keep learning over and over and over again from Peter on the water as he walked towards Jesus.
Tonight (this morning), I am praying for the Kecks, the Mayernicks, the Doyles, the Francises, and so many others. I've added a new gadget to the side of my blog, "Stories of Faith." Most of those deal with families who are currently adopting or have adopted. Beautiful and heart wrenching and vibrant examples of God's love for us. It certainly makes me want to do more, to find a way to do more. For now, I am supporting these families with my prayer and any other support I can lend.
Truly, in this early hour (about 4:35 AM), I am overwhelmed with His faithfulness and His love. If He says that He will do it, you can count on it. Every day I choose to trust Him, and I purpose to rest in Him. It's not always easy (In fact, it's rarely easy.) when I look at my own struggles and the world around me. But I will not give up. And it does get so much easier when I choose to focus on Him and not the storm around me -- a lesson I keep learning over and over and over again from Peter on the water as he walked towards Jesus.
Tonight (this morning), I am praying for the Kecks, the Mayernicks, the Doyles, the Francises, and so many others. I've added a new gadget to the side of my blog, "Stories of Faith." Most of those deal with families who are currently adopting or have adopted. Beautiful and heart wrenching and vibrant examples of God's love for us. It certainly makes me want to do more, to find a way to do more. For now, I am supporting these families with my prayer and any other support I can lend.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I'm A Dreamer
I've always been a dreamer. My dreams at night are vivid and realistic, so much so that sometimes I have a hard time determining whether of not they really happened. I would also say that I can be excessive in my day dreaming. It's almost as if I constantly have little movies playing out in my head starring all my favorite people.
I guess that are some people who would harshly criticize me for all this, and yet, strangely enough, I find that it actually feeds my faith. I truly believe in the possibility of these grand imaginations. Anything is possible in life, and with God there really is no limit. Now, I'm not going to argue the ridiculous here. I'm sure there are those who would come up with all sorts of bizarre situations in order to try to test and try the impossible. (Well, can you fly into outerspace with no ship and breathe on your own? Do you think you could really find a fountain of youth and stay young forever?) Those are not the sorts of things I'm talking about.
But it seems to me that we're living in a time when lots of people are either settling for survival mode or are giving up altogether. Yeah, I know it's tough out there. It's tough all over. We all have areas in our life that could destroy us if we let them. For me, I choose to have faith, to press on, and to dream.
What do I dream of? Well, we'll save that for another post....
I guess that are some people who would harshly criticize me for all this, and yet, strangely enough, I find that it actually feeds my faith. I truly believe in the possibility of these grand imaginations. Anything is possible in life, and with God there really is no limit. Now, I'm not going to argue the ridiculous here. I'm sure there are those who would come up with all sorts of bizarre situations in order to try to test and try the impossible. (Well, can you fly into outerspace with no ship and breathe on your own? Do you think you could really find a fountain of youth and stay young forever?) Those are not the sorts of things I'm talking about.
But it seems to me that we're living in a time when lots of people are either settling for survival mode or are giving up altogether. Yeah, I know it's tough out there. It's tough all over. We all have areas in our life that could destroy us if we let them. For me, I choose to have faith, to press on, and to dream.
What do I dream of? Well, we'll save that for another post....
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