tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-226563322024-02-03T03:36:41.402-06:00Passions and PonderingsMusings, quandaries, observations, inspirations, curiousities, wonderings, commentaries, and odd tidbitsKayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.comBlogger331125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-56627768595641321932016-07-30T09:46:00.000-05:002016-08-03T15:33:02.025-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSYx-wjHmxgw4fZg4_sbS8M41Y6ARLCyC2DJegL2vX4gRWlcADYF4SJI79CPCjNO-7PE6nKTTMBUgPYWUXQSQ6JOC3Rr5cbMDZACT8wecZJayt93Ebz0N9dzBRUePL2PKP2e_kIw/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSYx-wjHmxgw4fZg4_sbS8M41Y6ARLCyC2DJegL2vX4gRWlcADYF4SJI79CPCjNO-7PE6nKTTMBUgPYWUXQSQ6JOC3Rr5cbMDZACT8wecZJayt93Ebz0N9dzBRUePL2PKP2e_kIw/s320/images.jpeg" width="320" height="320" /></a></div><br />
Again, it happened again. Just a few short weeks ago and only 15 months after suffering my first miscarriage, it happened again. <br />
<br />
My first miscarriage was shockingly abrupt and over so quickly. I was in denial about it for a week before I finally acknowledged it and went to see the doctor. Not this time. I struggled for weeks and the end was finally confirmed with an ultrasound. Where I had once seen a beautiful beating heart, there was nothing. Empty. Deserted. I’ve always been a curvy girl, my whole life, and yet in those moments staring at that screen and for days afterwards, I felt small and hollow. <br />
<br />
All the excitement and planning and dreaming ended, and more than I anticipated had to be undone. We had to tell our daughter that, once again, she would have to wait until heaven to meet her sibling. We had to tell our family and close friends that our baby was no longer growing in my tummy. In my excitement, I had already pulled out my old maternity clothes, borrowed some from my sister, and had even ordered a couple pieces that were waiting to be worn; all of that had to be packed away. And there were other details I had to attend to, none of which do I wish to expound upon here. <br />
<br />
And now, all that is left is the recovery. Physically, I’m better. Now, it’s just the battlefield of the mind and emotions where I must make my stand, where we, my wonderful Chris and I, must press on. Fighting against the sadness and ponderings of “what if” and “if only.” <br />
<br />
And that’s where the struggle meets our faith. Without faith, without hope – the kind of hope that is an “anchor of the soul” – I would not be able to make it (Hebrews 6:19). I wouldn’t be able to get up each day and to move forward believing that God really does love me and has “a hope and a future" for me and our family (Jeremiah 29:11). The first time I stayed silent for a long time and fell into a physically excruciating depression, until I finally turned to Jesus and truly took to heart the scripture “casting your care on Him, for He cares for you (I Peter 5:7).” This time will be different. Sure, there are hard moments and tears and questions, but I am, we are, choosing to lean in hard on our faith, on our Jesus, where comfort and the “peace that passes all understanding” can be found (Philippians 4:7). <br />
<br />
Prayers appreciated – more than I can even begin to express.<br />
<br />
KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-37213678054433942152014-02-24T13:57:00.000-06:002014-02-24T13:58:35.656-06:00Sing It and Mean It - Part 2Just a few extra thoughts since my last post....<br />
<br />
Since the movie <i>Frozen</i> was released, it has been such big influence on my little girl's activities and, thus, been on my mind quite a bit. There's no doubt that the movie is a grand hit. People are talking about it, discussing it's meaning in depth and coming up with quite a few ideas for what agenda it may or may not be pushing. While I, as a Christian, find traces of my own beliefs displayed through the sacrificial love shown by Anna, I in no way believe there to be a Christian agenda secretly woven into the film. I also don't believe that <i>Frozen</i> is trying to influence our children to find hidden powers they might possess, to embrace finding oneself and embracing independence at all costs, or to pursue a homosexual lifestyle -- all things I've heard/read others argue. What I do think it promotes is waiting for true love, consequences for one's actions, and the importance and power of love. <br />
<br />
While I thoroughly enjoyed watching the movie all three times I saw it, there are certainly behaviors I don't want my daughter to emulate. However, that's where I, as the parent and guide, come in.<br />
<br />
In the song I touched on in my last post, "Let It Go," I dealt only with the idea of letting go of things that are harming us. Does that mean that we should let everything go? No. Certainly there are things to which we should hold - our family, our faith, our convictions. Elsa started letting go of fear (a good thing to do) but went too far when she abandoned her sister and others. When Elsa sings, "No right, no wrong, no rules for me," we're not meant to blindly accept that. As we find later, she cannot live by that stance without seriously harming herself and others. These are the things I discuss with my own daughter when we talk about the movie or she sings the song. <br />
<br />
We have the soundtrack in our car, and I often giggle when I catch a glimpse of my sweet girl in the rear view mirror clutching her fists, chin upraised, and singing with such emotion in her face. After she belts out a tune like "Love is an Open Door," I sometimes pause the CD and talk with her. The characters in the movie go from meeting to getting engaged in one evening, obviously not a wise choice. We talk about that and about what good choices they could have made. <br />
<br />
Children's entertainment is not going to fit inside my own brand of perfect. Sometimes I roll my eyes when I see the way a parent handles a situation on on one of the programs Willow Grace watches. That's another opportunity for my girl and me to talk. While I do put boundaries on the types of things she does watch and read and listen to and try to keep them age (and morally) appropriate, I'm not going to keep her in the preschool world of entertainment with nothing but easy solutions and blissfully happy people.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-20563341362705206742014-02-07T09:30:00.000-06:002014-02-07T09:38:10.210-06:00Sing It and Mean ItI've now seen <i>Frozen</i> three times in the theater, all three times with Willow Grace. I had the privilege this last time to see it with my parents; my sister, Eva Joy; and my three year old nephew, Frazier. On Tuesday, we went to see the singalong version. So much fun!<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/0HtACLaRDk0" width="480"></iframe><br />
<br />
What a delight to sit there in our tiny theater surrounded by children singing joyfully and laughing boisterously! For weeks now, ever since we saw the movie around Thanksgiving, my own sweet girl has been belting out the songs from the movie. My baby can sing! <br />
<br />
Each time I hear the amazingly talented Idina Menzel sing "Let It Go" (or watch Willow Grace perform her own dramatic rendition and, of course, sing along with her) I can't help but think about the things in my own life that I've held on to for far too long or the things that are holding me back. Do I have any fears that I've allowed to take root in my soul? What habits, beliefs, thoughts, or behaviors do I allow to continue that are keeping me from the freedom to be who God has created me to be? Do I see my life clearly, or am I mistaking my blessings for curses or vice versa? <br />
<br />
I want to sing about letting things go and really mean it. <br />
<br />
So, here I sit, pondering these things, formulating a plan. I started this post a few days ago, and I've revised and erased and rewritten and stared at it. Honestly, sometimes it's really hard to let go... until you do, and then there's freedom. And so here I am -- dreaming of the freedom and plotting my journey to get there.<br />
KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-46641479417007351892014-02-03T18:00:00.000-06:002014-02-04T07:44:41.435-06:00BeautyJust some thoughts running around in my head....<br />
<br />
All my life I've pursued beauty - in one form or another. Sometimes it was in looking for the richest of words to add color and flavor to my writing; at other times it was in seeking out just the right object to freshen up my home. I've gone wandering in nature in search of a breathtaking view or a quiet hollow. However, most of the time, it's been the exhausting pursuit of trying to make myself look and feel beautiful. <br />
<br />
When I think about the moments in my life that I've felt the most beautiful, they are always simple moments. Even on my wedding day, surrounded with all the trappings of modern beauty (perfectly manicured nails, carefully applied makeup, my fairy tale dress), I did not really feel beautiful. Later, during the honeymoon, wandering around Gatlinburg in my regular clothes and hanging on my new husband's arm; that's when I felt it. If it's in those simple moments like being cuddled up with my daughter, the both of us in pj's; hugging my husband while he makes me laugh; or hanging out with my mom and just chatting that I feel the beauty of life and myself beautiful in it, then why do I search for more than that?<br />
<br />
I think it's because the search for beauty within and outside of ourselves is a universal endeavor that never ends. Even once it's been found, the search continues. I suppose it's something like looking for the next drink of water or meal or breath. We need beauty. It nourishes our souls as food does the body. I truly believe that's why God created so much beauty in the this world for us to behold. <br />
<br />
(As as aside: My reference to the soul is defined as a person's mind, will, and emotions.)<br />
<br />
KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-74618166658450629602014-01-25T08:40:00.002-06:002014-01-25T08:44:05.621-06:00Pen to Paper - Or Something Like ItAs I drove into work this morning, the roads and not the grass were covered in a light layer of snow. Strange. I scanned the ground searching for even the slightest trace of snow, and yet there was none. I don't think I've ever seen snow on the road and not the fields.
<br /><br />
I have such a pretty drive to work. A great deal of my drive is through a park. Wide open fields mixed with densely crowded woods. I peered deep into those woods this morning, feeling an intense desire to visit them once again. It's been too long since I wandered around in the trees and wrapped myself up in the land. I miss it. However, winter is not for wandering - at least not in the frigid temps we've been having lately and certainly not with a six year old in tow.
<br /><br />
But I need to find some way to clear out the clutter in my head, to quiet the noise, and to release all the words swirling around there. I need time and space to write and maybe even a stinging shot of inspiration.
<br /><br />
Why must all of the richest of my ideas come while I'm driving or in the shower and then seep away into oblivion before my fingers touch a keyboard or my pen to paper? The busyness of life and the lure of entertainment has stifled the gift I know God put inside of me. As I drove here this morning, I prayed that He would keep it from atrophying or evaporating since I've neglected to use it for so long.
<br /><br />
Write. Write every day. I know this is a must, and yet I lie in bed every night drained of energy and wishing that I had written just one line. I'm sitting here with twelve students as they serve their time in Saturday school copying pages out of the dictionary - certainly not fun for them and not something I looked forward to overseeing either, but it has allowed me this small space in which to gather some of my thoughts. I'm determined to improve, to write more, and hopefully, to write a bit every day. Maybe, just maybe, this is a start.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-89587846185291709002013-03-28T23:35:00.000-05:002013-03-28T23:35:00.944-05:00Hodge PodgeIt's about 11 PM, and everyone in my house, including the dog, is asleep, except me. I just have too much going on in my head. Really, a hodge podge of stuff... thus the title of this little entry. I started out by typing my packing list for my upcoming trip. Yes, typing it. I always make a packing list and generally go through several drafts. That sounds high maintenance, I know, but I'm only high maintenance for me. I try not to levy my burdensome quirks on others.
<br /><br />
Anyway, preparing for this trip only serves to remind me that it's been quite a while since I was away from my little family, and never both of them at once for this length of time. I'll miss kissing them both goodnight and snuggling in both physically and metaphorically to this cozy little life we've built for ourselves. Instead, I'll be in a cabin with ten seventh grade girls on a trip with 113 seventh grade students - fun and wild and adventurous but not quite cozy.
<br /><br />
Also on my mind? The stories of the three books I've been reading as of late are swirling around in my mind mixing their plots and characters in strange and intriguing ways. Also in the mix are the three different books that are in different stages of being written by me. And then there's the personal stuff - my sister's son who has been ill and for whom I've been praying for constantly, my need to get in better shape, a half a dozen dreams I have for the future of my family, all the ways I've erred as of late, and so on. Doesn't it sound like I lack focus? I don't really. There's just always a lot going on in my head. My husband, Chris, is often amused when I track backwards from a seemingly random thought and follow the train from caboose to engine
<br /><br />
This reminds me of a little scene in <i>Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix</i>. (Yes, I'm a Potter nerd!) Harry, Hermione, and Ron are all talking about Harry's recent first kiss and all the stuff that might have been going through Cho Chang's mind when he kissed her, and Ron said, " One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode.” To which Hermione replied, "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have." So, I wonder what we'd have to use to measure my emotional range?
<br /><br />
Somehow I'm going to have to quiet all these thoughts and find some rest myself tonight. I thought maybe writing about them would help, but it seems to me that it's even more jumbled than before. So, I'll choose between my two tried and true ways to calm my brain - praying myself to sleep or a little game I play. I've been playing this game for years and it actually works quite well. Hmmm, déjà vu... have I written about this before? It's a little alphabet game. I choose a category, and I go through the alphabet listing things having that are relevant to that topic. (Christmas - advent, Bethlehem, Claus, and so on; home - armoire, buffet, candlestick, etc.)
<br /><br />
Guess we'll see how it goes....KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-36835039176341367782013-03-18T13:34:00.002-05:002013-03-18T13:39:31.847-05:00Over-shareI remember a time when I felt that my thoughts were so private. I fiercely guarded my secrets. Some I still do. But lately, hardly a day goes by when I don’t berate myself for over-sharing. When did that start happening?
<br /><br />
I’m really hard on myself. Ask my husband. Ask my mom. Really, I should cut myself some slack, lay off a bit. I know the things that I’ve raked myself over the coals about my entire life. Over-sharing was never a problem. Until recently.
<br /><br />
I blame Facebook.
<br /><br />
No, really, I do. I am one of those people who checks in a few times a day and actually enjoys other people’s mundane reports on what they’re doing. However, often I find that there are plenty of people who seem to be having the most glorious day of their lives and know just how to turn a phrase when briefly describing their latest undertaking, even if all they’re doing is hanging out with family or running an errand. Adventure seems to pursue them on every wind.
<br /><br />
And, yes, I do it, too. I think my life is beautiful and funny and crazy and, well, LIFE. And it’s fun to report the little amusing anecdotes and oddities and even the little things that are so blandly normal that just make me feel human. It’s even nice to be able to put a “have you ever” moment out there and receive a half a dozen responses indicating that you’re not the only one to have gone through something so hard or tragic or just weird.
<br /><br />
Yet still, somewhere in there, I began to notice myself over-sharing. And not just on Facebook; it bled into my everyday life – standing at the coffee maker at work just waiting for that last drip so I can grab a mugful and hurry back to my to-do list and I babble to a passing acquaintance a little too much about my recent struggle with… whatever. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking in status updates.
<br /><br />
But, Facebook isn’t the only problem.
<br /><br />
I have a theory that some of this over-sharing also started when I stopped writing… and I mean really writing. I used to write all the time – journals, blogs, plays, short stories, attempts at a book or two, and so on. A few years ago, I stopped writing in my journal, something I had previously done since the age of 12. I also stopped writing here. I’m naturally a communicative person. I love to talk. Once again, just ask my husband or my mom. However, for most of my life, a lot of my communication came out in the form of writing. And I just stopped. All those excess thoughts, feelings, opinions, dreams, ideas, stories, ponderings, and just words had to come out somewhere. If you were the “somewhere” it got spilled (and sometimes spewed), I’m sorry.
<br /><br />
My solution: I must write. And so, write I will. Here. There. And everywhere.
KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-27164459074185917462013-03-03T22:01:00.002-06:002013-03-03T22:02:01.574-06:00"Now, back to my adventure with Fatboy Slim...."The title was spoken by Willow Grace today. <br /><br />For Christmas I asked for and received Just Dance: Greatest Hits. Several nights a week, we switch on the Wii and dance to our hearts' content - all three of us: Chris, Willow Grace, and myself.. Since then we've added four more Just Dance games. <br /><br />Willow Grace is like a little sponge. She knows all the singers' names and most of the lyrics to the songs. And now, all her imaginary friends have become the singers off of the game. I frequently hear her say, " Katy Perry and I are having a tea party." OR "C'mon Rihanna! Let's play a game!" And today, it was all about Fatboy Slim. They were having grand adventure in the forest, searching for the golden gum ball machine. She said that when they took the golden gum ball machine off of the chair all of the traps were triggered, and so she had to put it back to stop the traps. What an imagination! <br /><br />How do I continue to help her cultivate that? How do I make sure that at ten, thirteen, and seventeen she doesn't lose that? I remember vividly being the same way, constantly acting out stories or just playing them out in my head. I'm that way now. I always, always have a story spinning around in my head. I'll be working on encouraging creativity and imagination in us both.
KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-88899112282657976202013-03-02T23:09:00.000-06:002013-03-02T23:13:25.628-06:00Beginning AgainI’ve always been a writer. It’s just a part of who I am. I’ve been writing since I was a very young girl when I used to make up stories about a character I called Miss Hero. I had a Barbie dressed in a cowgirl outfit, and I planned out all sorts of crazy scenarios with her, wrote them down, and then performed them in a sort of reader’s theater for my parents and their friends. <br /><br />When I was in 7th grade, I started keeping a journal. My brain felt overloaded, and there were so many things that I just didn’t feel like I could share with others. And I thought, in my limited perspective, that no adult I knew could relate to me and what I was going through. I always knew that I wanted to work with kids, and so I wanted to make sure that I didn’t forget what it felt like to be a teenager. I kept a journal for years, filling about two a year until after I married. And then I started this blog. I was fairly consistent here until a couple years ago, and then a strange thing happened. <br /><br />I stopped writing. And not just here. I nearly stopped writing altogether, except for work projects and a couple other small projects. For me, that is very, very bad. I need to write. When I don’t, I end up feeling overwhelmed with ideas, information, and possibilities. It affects my thought life, communication with others, and, strangely enough, my confidence in a number of areas. And I’ve found that I end up over-sharing in conversations; all those thoughts have to come out somewhere. <br /><br />So, it’s time for me to write – blogging, journaling, and writing the book(s) I’ve had swirling around in my head for years.
KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-29933571337499527812013-03-01T15:16:00.000-06:002013-03-01T15:23:48.228-06:00Friday AfternoonsI know that Friday afternoons are exciting for most people for a variety of reasons. The weekend has arrived with promises of a change of pace and activity. There will be more time for friends and family and sleep. Friday afternoons at a school have a energy all their own. Kids, in general, are naturally geared towards anticipation and excitement. It's almost impossible, at least for me, to be unaffected by their energy. There is a flurry of activity. Students are headed out for sports practices or joining up to crash each other's houses for video game or movie marathons, sleepovers, or birthday parties. <br /><br />Today, we've just finished up Hobbit Day in the 7th grade. All of the students and some of the teachers, myself included arrived decked out as characters from the book or from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. When someone mentions a dress up day, my ears prick up and my mind races into planning mode. I showed up at Eowyn from LOTR since <i>The Hobbit</i> is lacking in female characters, and I like the idea that she's royalty but also a tough chick who wants to join the men and go off to fight. <br /><br />Another reason for the anticipation on this particular day is that it's absolutely frigid outside and have been spitting snow at us all day. The weather predictors are saying that we could get a nice little snow overnight, and while we all wish that had come on a school day we still relish the idea of getting to play around in a little winter wonderland tomorrow. We don't get much snow here in Middle Tennessee, so, for us, every little bit counts. <br /><br />Whatever the weekend brings, I'm hoping and praying for peace, fun, and safety for all my students, friends, and family and for unexpected blessings just around the corner.<br /><br />(I know I haven't written for this blog for about two years now. In fact, I've done precious little writing, and it's high time for me to start again, and so, here I go....)
KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-5865766487135648312011-05-16T11:59:00.004-05:002011-05-16T12:03:29.734-05:00Ooops. Try Again Tomorrow.Every morning when I wake up the first thing I see is a small sign which sets on my shelf with the message “Trust Me Always, Love God.” And I always try to make the first words out of my mouth be based on Psalm 118:24, “This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.” It’s an effort to get my day started off focused on Christ and not on all the things that could potentially go wrong, be annoying, or get me off track. <br /><br />Well, this morning, for whatever reason, I forgot. <br /><br />And, please know, I’m not actually saying that things went downhill because of that lapse in memory, but….<br /><br />I was running ten minutes late on my way to drop of Willow Grace with Mom this morning. And so I was distracted and was speeding which led to me getting pulled over and receiving a ticket. The officer was calm but also felt the need to tell me that he was annoyed with me. Did you know that you’re supposed to stay ½ a mile behind a police car? That’s what he told me. I was following him too close, apparently. He was speeding; I was behind him. He slowed down, got behind me, and pulled me over. <br /><br />I shared with one of my classes all that I’ve just written and told them, rather tongue-in-cheek, that they could feel free to blame anything bad in their day on me today since I had forgotten to center my trust and thanksgiving on the Lord this morning. Happy to play along, so far, the students have blamed me for bad grades, forgotten homework, misbehaving in class, and a small assortment of other frustrations. <br /><br />Ah well…. You can be sure I will be mindful to start my day off right tomorrow.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-25604415099890538622011-01-18T13:44:00.007-06:002011-01-28T14:42:14.171-06:00In Thinking About Success<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheMHDWPgQO1kPgpTlwGB4VsGKq7asFdVUq1sLsuE758Jq8JPXT3XrYfdbjzMn5c48G3Faxi4NMfq1THmHbgF_fySzcgvhLCu6PyprY96LaKmQMcm6MQVmlEOkhN9-7H1_-6VEHYQ/s1600/12588374081537140300sheikh_tuhin_To-Do_List.svg.med.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheMHDWPgQO1kPgpTlwGB4VsGKq7asFdVUq1sLsuE758Jq8JPXT3XrYfdbjzMn5c48G3Faxi4NMfq1THmHbgF_fySzcgvhLCu6PyprY96LaKmQMcm6MQVmlEOkhN9-7H1_-6VEHYQ/s320/12588374081537140300sheikh_tuhin_To-Do_List.svg.med.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5563622219160022690" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwBUypyd1KohA8fTBRwbGFkVunX6r0jllqtecU6nZeu3qLOMHMRXhyphenhyphenMDRoKjUJvYkwRJjYtZhHPNAtO2QfShQ3zpxJmc0xwc27PH4aVtFzjKZAtgem7VW58zkZTd9cZMEu6TACgA/s1600/12588374081537140300sheikh_tuhin_To-Do_List.svg.med.png"><br /></a><br /><br />How do you measure the success of a day, a year, or even your life? Yesterday, I was quite productive. Being off of work, I managed to clean almost the entire house, take the recycling to the recycling center, go to the grocery store, take Willow Grace out to lunch and tend to her all day, make dinner, and finish a bit of laundry. I even started the day with devotional time. I did not, however, get the mid-month bills paid or work out. Was it a successful day? Partially successful? What even makes up the criteria for which this could be judged? I tend to be consistently optimistic and yet rigidly hard on myself. So while I feel buoyed by the fact that I accomplished so much, I also berate myself for not finishing all the tasks I set out to complete. My quest, as in all things, is to discover the correct response to this query and then to attempt to adapt that into my life. We're supposed to work diligently and to be responsible for what is put before us while making our lives be about God and others and not just ourselves. In examining myself, I must ask the question: Is this how I live my life? And that simply cannot be answered once and allowed to rest. It's an every day, every moment, kind of question.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-86398126103102267632011-01-14T09:37:00.009-06:002011-01-14T10:08:01.109-06:00Love, Nephrology & Play DatesThis morning I heard a preacher say something that I've been chewing on mentally all day. In dealing with the subject of judging, he said that God had shown him that it's God's job to judge, the Holy Spirit's job to convict, and our job to love. Love. Love. Love. That's what we are supposed to be all about. There's so much more that can be said to break this all down more, but I'm just mulling it all over and purposing to live it out.<br /><br />Update on Willow Grace:<br />I can't believe that we've been home from the hospital for a little over a month! Yesterday we had our check up with the nephrologist (kidney doctor). Everything went well, except for having to have blood taken (oh, the wailing!) and the fact that the initial tests indicate that her little kidneys are having to work too hard. At this moment, I am actually waiting for a call from Vandy Children's to let us know what the further tests and labs indicate and what we might need to do to help her to fully recover. Really, we have two options. Either she'll need to take medicine to help her kidneys function better, or we'll just wait, monitor her progress, and check everything again in a month or two. I'm praying for the latter. The doctor also said that we need to keep her our of school for another week to allow her immune system to get a bit stronger. She's still so different than she was before this whole thing began. Her energy level is lower as is her appetite, and she still gets me up between 2-3 AM every morning. I really could use more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night!<br /><br />We were blessed with two snow days this week. I know that many people here in Middle Tennessee have had most or even the entire week off, but working in a private school changes the rules on that a bit. On Tuesday, my friend Ralanna brought over her two beautiful little girls, Kassidy and Addy, to play with Willow Grace. When they first arrived, Willow Grace was overjoyed and seemed just like any other little girl her age. They all immediately put on princess dresses, and started playing with the tea set and Disney princess dolls and running all over the house. It was absolutely delightful watching those three little beauties dancing around each other chattering incessantly and giggling over all sorts of silliness. However, about 45 minutes into their visit, Willow Grace became increasing quiet. She wasn't interested in wearing her princess dress or playing with anything. She just wanted to be near me and to sit on the couch and watch her beloved Veggie Tales. They still stayed for another hour or so, and she was happy to have them there but just didn't have the energy to join in. When they left, it was time for dinner which I had to feed to her myself and wake her up in between bites. She was in bed for the night by 6 PM!<br /><br />I hope you have a wonderful weekend. And don't forget to be purposeful in loving others!KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-2687594042433868282011-01-03T20:39:00.012-06:002011-01-04T13:37:11.722-06:00Fresh Perspective and ResolutionsThis morning I stood just outside my mom's storm door watching Willow Grace wave to me and blow me kisses. After every summer, Christmas break, and spring break I have a hard time leaving her once again, and this morning I felt that familiar twinge, that wrenching feeling tugging at my heart. And yet, as I peered back through the glass and skipped off towards my little car, I couldn't help but smile. The fact that I was leaving her meant that she is well enough for me to return to work. She is well and getting healthier every day. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. <br /><br />In the last couple days I've heard several stories about other parents who have recently lost their children - to illness, accidents, and suicide. One of those families has a story similar to ours. They took their young daughter to the emergency room a couple weeks ago, and just like us they were encouraged to take her home. We were blessed to have an amazing nurse who was a strong advocate for us and enabled us to stay at the hospital, which was good because it wasn't until the next day that we found out how serious Willow Grace's condition was. This other family, they took their little girl home, and just a few days before Christmas she died. My heart grieves for that mother and father and for all those who love that little girl. As I go to sleep each night, I pray for them. In the middle of the night, I wake up praying for them, and I do the same when I wake in the morning. This could have so easily been us, and I am so very grateful that at this moment my dear girl is sleeping peacefully in her own bed just down the hall. <br /><br />All of these stories have reminded me of what a great war we wage each day. This isn't all just happenstance; we have a real enemy who daily seeks to wreck our lives, ripping apart our families and stealing our peace in any way he can. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10 NKJV) We have to fight for each other. We have to fight for our children, our families, and others who do not yet know how to fight for themselves. The first and most important step in this is faith-filled prayer. It's the most powerful weapon we have. I'm committing myself to pray more for others this year than I ever have. <br /><br />One other thing I've decided to do is start writing again in my grateful journal. I used to be quite faithful in writing down 3-5 things each day for which I was grateful, but somewhere along the line in the last few years I seriously started slacking in that department. I really want to live in gratitude, constantly aware of how God has blessed my life, and so, at least a few times a week I plan to jot down a few of those blessings. <br /><br />Here's what I'll be adding tonight:<br />1. Shared a delicious breakfast at Lovelace Cafe with 130+ co-workers and some of my dearest friends this morning<br />2. Had a great conversation on the phone with a sweet friend whom I haven't been able to talk to in quite while<br />3. Woke early this morning and had good devotional time with my Savior<br />4. Was able to start working out again this morning. Love Pilates!<br />5. Had a fun trip to the grocery store with Willow Grace and enjoyed "oohing" and "ahhing" at the last of the Christmas light displays with her on the way homeKayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-54280277242936744442011-01-02T13:33:00.013-06:002011-01-02T15:10:20.867-06:00Odds & Ends (and a Peaceful New Year)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzw4l_cS9KeLHFRSoqxiD8sZpS0i3cTLJSR1kVhyK_3k0XKEixQFZnttEwkWmI6UYkESl70F93dtsVKw_0k5oDu5Iynt_XzLN-P7TmQhtkJ41NOemRoArvKlKUwfKYqi5kWCyR7g/s1600/happy-new-year-currier-ives_800px%255B1%255D.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 290px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzw4l_cS9KeLHFRSoqxiD8sZpS0i3cTLJSR1kVhyK_3k0XKEixQFZnttEwkWmI6UYkESl70F93dtsVKw_0k5oDu5Iynt_XzLN-P7TmQhtkJ41NOemRoArvKlKUwfKYqi5kWCyR7g/s400/happy-new-year-currier-ives_800px%255B1%255D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557688164354369858" /></a><br /><br />It's been a few days since my last post, twelve to be exact. However, I've been wrapping myself up in a cozy quilt of home, family, and Christmas. Sitting in front of a roaring fire that my husband has lovingly built and watching Willow Grace play happily with her new toys in front of the Christmas tree while I tackle a few dozen thank you notes has taken most all the extra time I've had, not that I've had much. <br /><br />It turns out that Willow Grace has needed almost as much tending to out of the hospital as she did in. While most people might see Willow Grace and think that she looks close to normal, there are things a mother's eye do not miss. The pale shade of her cheek, the faint dark circles under her eyes, the lack of luster in her hair, the tendency to whine -- these all do not belong to my daughter. She's also been getting up between two and four o'clock every morning and staying up. We both are in desperate need of more sleep. Never has she been so clingy or so quick to cry. Since she was a newborn she was low-maintenance and seemed to have a near perfect balance of dependence and independence. However, that seems to have changed a bit since she became ill. The doctor assures me that this is quite common in recovering from HUS and an extended hospital stay and all will be back to normal in a few weeks. I had to take her back to the doctor last week. She was looking quite ghost-like, was coughing incessantly, and often threw up whenever she coughed too hard or cried too hard. It turns out that it's just a really nasty cold made worse by her compromised immune system. The doctor said it would be another couple weeks before her immune system is strong enough to fight off much, and so we've decided to keep her out of school for at least a week and maybe two. <br /><br />Both Chris and I ended up at the walk-in clinic yesterday morning. It was kind of weird to be seen as a couple, but since we had basically the same symptoms, I guess they thought they'd "kill two birds with one stone" (the birds being the illnesses and not us). We had already sent Willow Grace to stay with his parents on New Year's Eve to help protect her from whatever was going on with us; she certainly didn't need anything more to deal with. It turns out that both of us were diagnosed with sinusitis, and I had also developed bronchitis. A pair of steroid shots and a couple of z-packs later, and we were good to good to go!<br /><br />Upon arriving home from the hospital a couple weeks ago, I've been busily trying to get the house into some sort of organized state, a battle that I feel starts fresh every morning, complicated somewhat by tending to a recovering daughter and then falling ill myself. Of course I won't be taking down my tree until next Saturday. The twelve days of Christmas ends on Wednesday, and Saturday will be my first chance to tend to that task. That's fine by me; we were so late in getting it up. I really don't mind enjoying it a little while longer. However, perhaps after all the holiday trimmings are put away things will start to fall into place a little easier.<br /><br />A new year. And so we begin again. The new semester starts tomorrow, and I am truly looking forward to being back with my colleagues and friends and to getting back into a normal schedule. This year, I am a full-time substitute, which keeps me quite busy but generally spares me taking grading or other work home. For the first month back to school, however, I'll be teaching eighth grade science. Yes, eighth grade science for a month! I'm a little nervous about this, especially since my natural talents tend to be in the humanities and not in the areas of math and science. However, I relish a challenge, and I am sure that I can meet this one. In the realm of new beginnings, I also haven't worked out since before Willow Grace fell ill, and so my plan is to start that back up again tomorrow. Yes, I know I've been ill and out of practice; don't worry. I'll start out slow. I think I'll kick it off with some Pilates and light jogging this week to get myself loosened up and ready for something more strenuous by next week. <br /><br />One final note: This morning, I was listening to a preacher who said that Christmas was about reconciliation and peace, not between men and each other but between men and God. When the angels said, "Peace on earth," they meant between men and God. Either I had never thought of it that way before or it never really struck me as it did this morning. I had sometimes wondered why there wasn't more peace between men. In discussing this with Chris, he said, "Of course, there will never be peace between men.... A man must have peace with God before he can have peace with men." And so, this year, my wish, my prayer, for you, my dear friends, is that you may have peace in your home, with your family, and with all those you come into contact but most of all with Jesus Christ.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-19776704262378040992010-12-22T07:36:00.006-06:002010-12-22T08:31:18.611-06:00RefocusWhenever I look back over my life and find moments or even long periods of floundering in stress and emotional struggles, I cannot help but notice and admit that whatever difficulty I may have been facing was made so much worse if I failed to spend time in prayer and the Scriptures. Confusion, emotional strain, depression, feeling overwhelmed - all of these and more start to creep in when I like, Peter, take my eyes off of Jesus and look at the storm raging all around me. In truth, the reason why I handled my time so well at Willow Grace's side in the hospital is because I spent so much time all day long and even in the night watches praying, reading the Bible, and listening to good preachers of faith on the internet. I surrounded myself with scriptures in our little room, posting them at eye level so that in whichever direction I or anyone else looked, even in the bathroom, there was something uplifting to encourage our spirits. Indeed, there were times when a doctor or nurse would stand there, wearing some dark expression, and gravely utter some negative report, and I, instead of meditating on that human reasoning, chose instead to focus on the promises my dear Lord gave me ages ago. <br /><br />After we all returned home from the hospital we struggled to return to some sense of normalcy, and in my desire to return my home to a somewhat organized state focused more on that than I did on spending time with my Savior. I began to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and I realized once again that I had made a poor trade - organization for time with the Lord. My heart, mind, and emotions all began to betray me and travel down paths devoid of the Lord's calling. We are still adjusting and working through Willow Grace's recovery. She continues to improve more and more each day. She is actually sleeping between 11-14 hours each night! Her little body (and I do mean little, as she lost so much weight) is busy in the healing process. However, in most respects, things have calmed down considerably, and so, I now readjust and refocus and thank my God that all along the way He is with me, gently leading me back into His presence and in the way I should go. I confess that I so desperately need Him, and that is one place of desperation for which I am not ashamed.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-30286330127573238862010-12-17T07:01:00.006-06:002010-12-17T08:29:25.393-06:00Shopping BuddiesWhat a blessing and joy is was to return to work this week! Just a couple days of normalcy and reacquainting myself with my workplace and colleagues... and a couple days to be loved on by all my work friends, it was just about perfect! I even got to have lunch at one of my favorite places yesterday, The Cottage in Bellevue, with my sweet friend, Megan, and accomplish a tad of Christmas shopping in their gift shop! Also, the fact that I was even at work was evidence that God had been faithfully working in our lives in healing Willow Grace and bringing her home. I would not have left her side otherwise. <br /><br />And now, Christmas break has begun. Woo-hoo!<br /><br />I love everything about Christmas - the sights, the sounds, the smells, the parties, the shopping, the celebrations, the decorations, the church services, the presents, the festive feeling, even seeing those tacky sweaters I refuse to wear on other people! Today, I'm going to try to accomplish a bit of my Christmas shopping with Mom and Willow Grace in tow, two of my favorite shopping buddies. We're celebrating our Christmas with Chris's family early, this Sunday, and so I must accomplish at least half of my shopping today. <br /><br />For the first week we were in the hospital with Willow Grace, she didn't talk and hardly responded to us in any way. Once she started again, it was like she was making up for lost time and talked constantly, even in her sleep! One afternoon, just a day or two after she finally started talking again, while she was taking a long nap, she quietly murmured, "Shopping... I want to shop." That's my girl! Yesterday afternoon, when I returned from work, she and Chris were waiting for me parked outside our house. They had just returned from Cool Springs Mall where Chris had taken her to ride the carousel. That sweet girl LOVES a carousel! And she had been telling Chris that she really wanted to go to Target. Last night, she finally got her wish to go shopping. Not only did we go to Target, but we also took a lovely little drive down to the Ashland City Walmart. For those of you who tend to worry, don't! It was not taxing on her as she was content to ride around in the shopping carts while we were there. Also, we had her layered up and bundled her in new her heavy, thick kitty cat blanket. She was warm and toasty and was delighted to be out and about! <br /><br />When we finally arrived home, it didn't take long for exhaustion to overtake us while we rested in the living room. Willow Grace was, of course, the first to slip off, and Chris carried her upstairs so that she could rest better in her little bed. Not long after that, however, I heard her calling for me. I hurried to the steps but just not quick enough. She was attempting to come down them when her little legs gave out half way down the first set. She tumbled down the last 3-4 steps and slumped over on the landing. She was unhurt, didn't even cry, but just desperate to get to me. Though she continues to build in strength and energy, she still has quite a bit of trouble with the stairs. However, I guess she just needed a little more time with Mama before settling down for the night. I was able to get her back to bed and off to sleep with little effort. <br /><br />And now, I must hop around and prepare the two of us for our fun day ahead. I hope you are all well this fine December morning! I'm still reveling in the joy of having my girl home for Christmas and feeling the awe and wonder of the miracle my dear Father has accomplished in our lives. <br /><br />Merry Christmas!KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-25549539561512375822010-12-15T08:37:00.009-06:002010-12-15T10:57:16.530-06:00New WorldThe world is new again. It feels much like it did when Willow Grace was a newborn or when she started to walk and discover things on her own causing me to rediscover so much I had forgotten or simply ignored.<br /> <br />Last night, Chris took Willow Grace and me out for a drive, just to get us out of the house for something pleasant and for a change of scenery. Even when it snowed a couple days ago, we remained indoors and simply peaked out the storm door marveling at the beauty of our world dressed in fluffy white crystals. First, last night, we stopped by Sonic for some sweet ice tea and corn dogs (for Chris & me, WG still not really eating) and then wandered around Bellevue in the car looking at Christmas lights. Fields blanketed in glistening snow, houses outlined with festive colored or white icicle lights, and yards bedecked with gently lit over-sized Nativities and giant blow-up snowmen and Santa Clauses -- I'm not sure whose eyes were wider, Willow Grace's or my own. First of all, we both LOVE Christmas, but also we've seen little else besides the hospital room and our house in almost a month. It was visually overwhelming, and we loved every minute of it!<br /><br />Earlier in the day yesterday, Willow Grace had her first follow up appointment. Our pediatrician was very encouraged and encouraging. He told us that while her progress is slow and will likely continue to move forward slowly, she is still making progress. The long list of issues I quickly ticked off was met with a singular response - all normal parts of her recovery and no cause for concern. He believes that it could take another 3-4 weeks before her energy, strength, and appetite returns.<br /><br />As for me, I've returned to work today. Strange, exhausting, and wonderful! I've been soaking up all the hugs, cheers, kind and loving words, and exuberant smiles lavished upon me. I am so grateful to work with such loving, thoughtful people. What a blessing! At the moment, I'm sitting in a room monitoring nine eighth graders who are taking their science exams. It's pretty laid back, a good way to ease back into things. I'll only be here for two days before Christmas break hits, and then I'll have the next two weeks to regroup, refresh, and help Willow Grace along in her recovery. <br /><br />I want to continue to thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement and for loving my little family so well.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-13971365603966981052010-12-13T07:33:00.003-06:002010-12-13T08:59:39.959-06:00ExpectationsThis snowy Monday morning finds Chris, Willow Grace, and me lounging in the living room. A blazing fire is merrily crackling away in the hearth, and Willow Grace has spent the last hour giggling incessantly for a dozen silly reasons causing us to join in with her without really knowing why. Perhaps it's just that we're all so happy to be here in our cozy home instead of still being couped up in that little hospital room. <br /><br />We're slowly, very slowly, settling back into our life here, and I am trying to allow myself to rest without feeling guilty about it. Our 18 days in the hospital left me feeling quite exhausted. I know that I said to myself and others that I knew it would be a process, that I would have to readjust to life outside the hospital, and that it would take a some time for Willow Grace to finish her recovery and build back up her strength. I said it, and I believed it. Really, I did. And yet, it's an entirely different thing to live it. And so now I am continuing to employ patience, mostly with myself. I tend to be pretty hard on myself and hold myself to high expectations, sometimes unrealistically so. I don't have all the things we accumulated at the hospital organized and put away, and I haven't put away all of the autumn decorations that were still out waiting for the Thanksgiving we never got to have. There's so much to be done. I suppose it's time to cut myself a little bit of slack. It will all get accomplished, just not on the time table I had set up in my head.<br /><br />Our first night home, Saturday night, I think that we were all just so grateful to be here that we practically melted into the furniture when we arrived. Willow Grace immediately started playing with her toys, but when she sat down on the floor she needed help getting back up. Later, when she tried to climb the steps to go to her room, she could only make it up one step! The last two nights, I tried to put her to sleep in her own bed, but at some point I ended up running, half-asleep to her side when she shrilly screamed out, "Mommy!" And inevitably, she has ended up in our bed. (Interestingly enough, she only calls me Mommy when she's sick, scared, or has some other problem she can't solve herself. Otherwise, it's Mama or Ariel.)Yesterday and today, she has gained back a tad more strength, and her appetite seems to be increasing as well. I so wish that I could take her out in this glorious snow. She loves it so much and wants so badly to build a snowman. So far, however, she has been content to look out the window at the snow. What's important is that she is on the mend, and we will get to enjoy our Christmas break with family and here in our little home. And I'm just going to pray for more snow this winter season for us to enjoy!KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-8136448176629725912010-12-11T06:32:00.013-06:002010-12-11T07:53:33.223-06:00The Questions That RemainIn the days and weeks to come, I know that I'll continue to process and reprocess all that has happened in our lives in the last month. And I'm sure that I'll work quite a bit of that out writing on my blog. There will be questions that simply will not be able to be answered such as: Where did Willow Grace come into contact with the e. coli? We have answered what seems like thousands of questions from doctors, nurses, and specialists; and Chris and I have even talked to the state department several times in order to solve this mystery, and yet we have still not come up with a viable source. And so, eventually, we'll choose to put those wonderings to rest and just choose to be thankful for our healthy, happy little girl. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSuOB7pFmSJHBy2aPk4Pdpm8lu9V3_cyNg3t1npD_xzNK6TMFeheBUhuV0BtJ1uaIaiPeBR9I6S9_bE1BIaGbPwcz_L-G0dqo76sm2sq8aIwY2SNcYbTpQDFUlRyi844htCz5DyQ/s1600/2010-12-11.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSuOB7pFmSJHBy2aPk4Pdpm8lu9V3_cyNg3t1npD_xzNK6TMFeheBUhuV0BtJ1uaIaiPeBR9I6S9_bE1BIaGbPwcz_L-G0dqo76sm2sq8aIwY2SNcYbTpQDFUlRyi844htCz5DyQ/s400/2010-12-11.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5549419834204070082" /></a> (We took a little outing yesterday down to the 2nd floor. Willow Grace was so excited about her ride in the red wagon!)<br /><br />For the moment, however, we are in a state of waiting. A little less than an hour ago, the nurse came to draw blood, and we are waiting to hear back from the lab. We need to see if, after yesterday's surgery, Willow Grace will need another transfusion. If she does, we stay until Monday when she will be reassessed. But, if she doesn't, then our sojourn here is complete, and we will finally return to our home. Scriptures and cards and Christmas decorations will have to be removed from the doors and walls. I'll busy myself with gathering clothes, toys, stuffed animals, and care packages and packing them into the big duffel bag and extra large suitcase I asked Chris to bring from home last night. This really has been our "home away from home" for the last few weeks, and it'll require a good deal of effort to get us on our way. <br /><br />Strangely enough, I am a bit nervous about going home. Since I haven't been there in so long, I wonder what it'll be like readjusting to normal life, and I don't know what the rest of Willow Grace's recovery will look like there. What will that require of us? How long will it be before she's regained her strength and can do everything she did before? When will I feel safe taking her back out into public? Will she find it strange to be home? We've been sleeping in the same room, and I wonder if it will take a few nights before we can stay in our own beds. So many questions and no answers until we live it. So much of life is like that. <br /><br />What happens next? Only God knows, but I'll keep you posted!KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-37906150879986927782010-12-09T22:01:00.020-06:002010-12-09T23:06:56.745-06:00My own Christmas miracle....That's how I'll remember this December. How else can one explain the rapid recovery my girl has made from this illness? Despite the predictions of the doctors, the way the illness was progressing, and the standard recovery time for HUS, we are going home weeks ahead of schedule. <strong>Prayer works.</strong> I had asked that everyone pray that we make it home by Christmas, and the doctors are now telling us that not only will we be home for Christmas, we should be going home on Saturday or Sunday! Amazing! Praises fill my heart. <br /><br /><em>Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love;<br />Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, opening to the sun above.<br />Melt the clouds of sin and sadness; drive the dark of doubt away;<br />Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day!</em> <br /><br />How can I help but sing when I look at my little girl's face, no longer constantly strained in pain or ghostly white? Praise the Lord for the great things He has done!<br /><br /> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEija6QxvTIr7QkXH_zdWeN6q63QXFcqmRgOmtm8eiql1WuGCGkkDO91-bs4TsW4OHdGm_nl4Vn74dsz3GxZvFu2wlJuyDlpEMi34acXAjMYJdyHFmH9oi-6DaC5T4omCdWvrQoe3Q/s1600/Nov-Dec2010+161.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEija6QxvTIr7QkXH_zdWeN6q63QXFcqmRgOmtm8eiql1WuGCGkkDO91-bs4TsW4OHdGm_nl4Vn74dsz3GxZvFu2wlJuyDlpEMi34acXAjMYJdyHFmH9oi-6DaC5T4omCdWvrQoe3Q/s400/Nov-Dec2010+161.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5548910540338052786" /></a>(Our happy Willow Grace tonight after receiving a holiday Barbie from our dear friend, Leslie)<br /><br />Tomorrow, Willow Grace will have surgery some time in the morning to have the catheter removed from her tummy. Depending on how everything goes, she may or may not need to have a blood transfusion. We're praying that all goes well and no transfusion is needed. After that, we'll watch her blood levels and her nutrition, and those two things will determine when she will be released to go home. Home. That sounds so good and so hopeful to me now. <br /><br />The last two days have been so joyful. Constant good news and lots of play time with my sweet girl. She's actually been out of bed singing, dancing, and walking around. While she's still be a bit wobbly on her feet, she has still managed to make the most of what energy she does have. We also finally gained clearance today to be taken off of "no contact" when her final culture came back declaring her free of e. coli! Before that came through, however, the physical therapist gained special permission for her to leave the room. The condition was that she had to suited up in a special yellow gown and hospital gloves. We told her that we needed to put her princess gloves on and a special Belle gown, and she was more than happy to comply!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKFwY34bCcxBq5W03nlPETX0nAdOAKZzv4pdJ9v0qCcg8TZxg6ZPrEOYZWgihidfJmd3ItrpLOsKAkBVP5kbZXXOR9N7TekuhcLYaeUplqjkIrLjxsB9PVBZ2CtEx7HJ3Nk0vvYw/s1600/Nov-Dec2010+156-1.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKFwY34bCcxBq5W03nlPETX0nAdOAKZzv4pdJ9v0qCcg8TZxg6ZPrEOYZWgihidfJmd3ItrpLOsKAkBVP5kbZXXOR9N7TekuhcLYaeUplqjkIrLjxsB9PVBZ2CtEx7HJ3Nk0vvYw/s400/Nov-Dec2010+156-1.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5548908450936662578" /></a>(Willow Grace in the hospital playroom in her "princess" gown and gloves)<br /><br />I know I've said this dozens of times here and in emails and on Facebook, but thank you so much for all your prayers. We appreciate them more than I can ever express. And I now ask that you continue to pray for us. Pray us home. And pray for Willow Grace during her surgery tomorrow, for the rest of her recovery here and at home, for our transition back to "normal" life after being in the hospital for so long.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-66441670945009542392010-12-08T11:33:00.006-06:002010-12-08T11:57:43.975-06:00Happiness!!!No long post just... <br /><br /><strong>GREAT NEWS!!</strong> <br /><br />- Off dialysis today <br />- Off the TPN/IV tonight <br />- Waiting for one more negative culture on the e. coli so we can leave the room and go to the hospital playroom<br />- Having the catheter in her tummy removed Thurs or Fri <br />- Should be home first of next week - a month ahead of time! Woo-hoo! <br /><br />Here's a little Christmas greeting from Willow Grace (and me) to you!<br /><br /><OBJECT id=BLOG_video-962bb9617b34e5bd class=BLOG_video_class width=320 height=266 contentId="962bb9617b34e5bd"></OBJECT><br /><br />Thank you for your prayers! Thank you for all the ways you've taken care of us! We're almost there! Please continue to pray us all the way home!KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-84943819359825187112010-12-07T22:01:00.006-06:002010-12-08T04:28:53.232-06:00Faith, Sleep, and Making ListsIsaiah 40:31<br />But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (KJV)<br /><br />Isaiah 40:31<br />But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired. (AMP)<br /><br /><br />True faith is praying for rain and then carrying an umbrella, living expectantly. We are living expectantly, and yet my heart is still filled with wonder and amazement as I listen to Willow Grace's doctors tell me that she is improving quicker than normal. Now, instead of predicting that we will be here for another four weeks, they are telling us it will be closer to a week or possibly two! I know that prayer works and that it is working in the life of our little girl and in our own hearts. Today she was able to get out of bed for just a bit for a little physical therapy. It's heart-breaking to see the fear in her eyes as she wobbles around painfully on her little legs which she hasn't really used in the last two weeks, and yet she refused to quit trying. Such a determined, brave little girl! <br /><br />And yet, I confess that, physically, I have, at times, grown weary and tired, and I have lost my patience and felt the weight of this ordeal bearing down on me. And I have looked to sleep as the only solution for curing my intense fatigue. Of course, I do need sleep, and a good night's rest certainly does help to refresh one's perspective, but it is not a lasting solution. Truly, the only thing that has carried me through this is faith. Faith in God. Faith that He will see us through this. Faith that He can take this awful circumstance and bring from it something beautiful. <br /><br />Tonight, once again, my energy has been nearly depleted. I will lay down my head searching for some peace and sweet sleep, and yet if my girl needs me in the night, as has been the case several times a night every night we've been here, I will somehow call up any energy I may have in reserve and tend to her. Thank God for the blessing of three women in my life, (my sweet Mama, my mother-in-law Donitta, and my dear friend Leslie) who have been staying the nights with me here in the hospital, sitting by Willow Grace's bedside so that I might get some rest. How they have ministered to me and to Willow Grace! I am overwhelmingly grateful for the gift of their presence and how they have tenderly loved and taken care of my little family. <br /><br />A couple years ago I developed a new habit. I try every night when I go to bed to focus on something positive before I go to sleep. If I can't sleep, I try listing things alphabetically in my head like things having to do with Christmas (Advent, Bethlehem, caroling...), people I love (Donitta, Eva Joy, Frazier...), or the attributes of God (gracious, holy, inspiring...); or I might focus on a scripture or something He's done in my life or the lives' of those I know. Tonight, I'll be focusing on the scripture above and praying that He renews my strength and the strength of all those parents, grandparents, and friends who are watching over children in this hospital tonight.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-6802007427851517052010-12-06T23:25:00.007-06:002010-12-07T00:44:31.390-06:00Challenges and TriumphsPsalm 106:1<br />Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.<br /><br />Though we still had our share of challenging moments today, our day was also full of positives and little steps ahead. As for the challenges, she's still throwing up about twice a day and is also having some really painful abdominal pain. Of course, it's hard to watch her go through this. All I can do is hold her little hand and speak soothing words and pray her through it. Also, she had to have the dressing on her picc line changed today which is quite painful and scary for her. <br /><br />And then, just so we could fill our drama quota for today, a man showed up at our door telling us that he needed to take Willow Grace downstairs for an x-ray because the perennial catheter in her stomach was leaking. Well, that was news to me! After what happened a few days ago, we've decided to question just about everything. The man wanted us to help him wheel her down to x-ray with everything, all her little machines, in tow. I protested and explained that she is hooked up to the dialysis machine 24 hours a day, and that machine cannot be moved. He was insistent, and Chris told him to go check again. We called the nurse and asked her to double check as well. It turns out that he had received the wrong orders. The doctor had mistakenly written down Willow Grace's name for the x-ray when it was another little girl who had the leaking catheter! I'm so glad we aren't accepting the word of every person who shows up at our door in a set of scrubs. <br /><br />And now on to the positives! <br /><br />First, I finally heard her laugh after not hearing it for two weeks! At 2:30 AM, she was awake and playing with her Nana (my mom) She was blowing through a Santa Claus straw which was making little whistling noises. It was cracking her up! I actually fell back to sleep listening to that sweet little tinkling noise! Also, Willow Grace was hungry today. She woke up asking for Fritos! I'm not even sure why she asked for those as she's only had them a couple times before in her life. It's not really the kind of thing she's allowed to eat just yet in the hospital, so I convinced her instead to try a roll, of which she ate half! Great progress after not eating for two weeks! Another highlight was the two hours she was allowed to be off of the dialysis today. While she still wasn't cleared to leave the room, not having tested negative for the e. coli as of yet, we were still able to get her out of bed and move around with her. And my little princess felt like singing today! Normally, she's so vibrant and loves to sing and dance. We caught a little glimpse of that little drama queen today. Check out the video below of her singing with me while her Gran-Gran (Chris's mom) holds her. (Sorry that my voice is so loud)<br /><br /><OBJECT id=BLOG_video-89d30da9fba84be6 class=BLOG_video_class width=320 height=266 contentId="89d30da9fba84be6"></OBJECT>KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22656332.post-44031805336217865392010-12-05T16:44:00.000-06:002010-12-06T00:09:31.376-06:00I Should Be Asleep But....I just had to record my thoughts first.<br /><br />Early this morning I slipped out of our little hospital room, leaving my sweet friend, Leslie, who had stayed the night with us, and Willow Grace asleep; and I wandered downstairs to grab a bit of breakfast. As soon as I stepped out of the elevator, my ears were met by the swell of a piano and the most soulful voice. At first, being so early I felt that it must be a recording, and yet I could not help but go in search of the source which I soon discovered to be in the little hospital chapel. A young black man sat alone in the chapel playing the baby grand and singing out in earnest praises to the Lord. I slid into a rocking chair in the back of the room and closed my eyes letting the words swirl around in my head and calm my heart. It was just a few moments of listening to someone else singing worship songs, and yet it was as good as any church service I could have attended. <br /><br />After a few songs, he stopped, and I inquired, "So, is this something you do every Sunday, or are you a patient's dad?" To which he replied, "No, actually, I work here. I try to come before my shift so I can worship the Lord and spend a little time in His presence." He went on to tell me that he works in critical care. He describe how everyone becomes really attached the children in the hospital under their care and how hard that is, especially in critical care. Sometimes those children are here for months, and sometimes after all that time they lose them. "It's really hard when a child passes," he told me. "Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is coming down here and worshipping the Lord." He asked me about my own situation, and I told him about Willow Grace and our time here. After we talked for a while longer, he asked me if he could pray with me. Taking both of my hands in his own, he uttered the most beautiful, complete prayer including not only Willow Grace and her healing but also our whole family and every doctor, nurse, caregiver, and visitor who came in and out of our room. He prayed a special blessing over After the prayer, he hugged me and headed on upstairs to start his shift while I continued my journey to the cafeteria trying not to shed tears (even tears of joy and hope)so early in my day. What a blessed way to start my day!<br /><br />Oh, how I needed that this morning. Willow Grace continues to improve though there are still so many challenges each day. Apparently she has developed an infection at the site of her picc line. She's been running a fever all weekend, and they did some tests to determine the cause. And so, they decided to give her two different kinds of antibiotics to cure the infection. The first one was fine, but the second one caused red man syndrome. In case you're not familiar with this condition, it's when a drug causes a person's head, neck, and sometimes torso to turn red and start itching terribly. Willow Grace had a terribly reaction. She was thrashing about violently, scratching her head frantically with both hands, and screaming. It was horrendous. The nurses decided to give her some Benedryl by IV which caused another crazy reaction. At first she calmed down, and then suddenly she was screaming, kicking, and thrashing about on the bed. Though Benedryl by IV can cause an adverse reaction in children, the severity of Willow Grace's reaction alarmed the nurse, and she gave Willow Grace some Tylenol and paged the doctor. A few moments after she had the Tylenol, in the middle of a crying out, she fell fast asleep, absolutely exhausted. The doctor came to examine her and determined that she would be fine. And most of the rest of the afternoon and evening, she has slept. <br /><br />I'm hoping that she cotinues to sleep tonight, letting her little body heal and also allowing me to get some rest. I am one very, very tired mommy.KayKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13415810882931913165noreply@blogger.com2