Strange Days

I really have not been myself for the last couple of weeks, and my husband is very glad to have his wife back. But in this mini voyage from myself, I have made a couple of self discoveries. First, my personality is significantly altered when I gain weight. Secondly, my personality is significantly altered during times of great stress. In both of these cases, I tend to shift into some sort of self protective mode, and major fortresses are built in record time. I become withdrawn and tend to fixate on work. I am not very personable.

My brother left for Iraq yesterday. More than any time before when he’s been deployed, I have struggled with his departure. While it’s true that this has happened at a particularly stressful time in the year for me with the school year starting and Chris starting his own business, I still think that my brother’s situation has weighed heaviest on my heart. He is leaving behind his wife and four boys, and I have known the pain of not having a father at home. I was very young when my dad was gone, but it had a great effect on me. These are terrifying times we live in, and without my faith in God I don’t know how I would cope. I can assure you that the last couple weeks would have been far worse than they were.

Yesterday I had some time to rest and decompress. And then last night Chris and I went to see The Sound of Music at the school where I teach. During the intermission I smiled brightly at people and sought out friends and acquaintances for a bit of conversation. I have been laughing and just being goofy with Chris. I went shopping with my Mom today. (A little aside: I tried on some clothes at a store and didn’t realize until hours later when I returned home that I had put my shirt on inside out in the dressing room. Neither Mom or Chris noticed either!) Life is beginning to take on a bit of normalcy, and I am breathing regularly.

I still feel a piece of my heart holding tightly to the desperate yearning to change the circumstances and bring Wayne home. But this is our life for now. Hundreds and perhaps even thousands of people will be praying for my brother while he is gone. Mom is wearing a set of Wayne’s dog tags until he returns. It reminds her to pray for him and the others in his unit and, indeed, for all those men and women who are serving, and it also gives her a little piece of him to feel a little closer to. How well I understand that. I too have a set of his dog tags, and holding them between my fingers while I whisper a prayer for my brave, strong brother I can see his smile and feel his presence.

A year, depending on your perception, either passes by far too quickly or trudges on testing your strength and hope. He’ll be gone a year. May that year pass quickly, and may we all be strengthened by the hope we can find only in Christ.