Again, it happened again. Just a few short weeks ago and only 15 months after suffering my first miscarriage, it happened again.

My first miscarriage was shockingly abrupt and over so quickly. I was in denial about it for a week before I finally acknowledged it and went to see the doctor. Not this time. I struggled for weeks and the end was finally confirmed with an ultrasound. Where I had once seen a beautiful beating heart, there was nothing. Empty. Deserted. I’ve always been a curvy girl, my whole life, and yet in those moments staring at that screen and for days afterwards, I felt small and hollow.

All the excitement and planning and dreaming ended, and more than I anticipated had to be undone. We had to tell our daughter that, once again, she would have to wait until heaven to meet her sibling. We had to tell our family and close friends that our baby was no longer growing in my tummy. In my excitement, I had already pulled out my old maternity clothes, borrowed some from my sister, and had even ordered a couple pieces that were waiting to be worn; all of that had to be packed away. And there were other details I had to attend to, none of which do I wish to expound upon here.

And now, all that is left is the recovery. Physically, I’m better. Now, it’s just the battlefield of the mind and emotions where I must make my stand, where we, my wonderful Chris and I, must press on. Fighting against the sadness and ponderings of “what if” and “if only.”

And that’s where the struggle meets our faith. Without faith, without hope – the kind of hope that is an “anchor of the soul” – I would not be able to make it (Hebrews 6:19). I wouldn’t be able to get up each day and to move forward believing that God really does love me and has “a hope and a future" for me and our family (Jeremiah 29:11). The first time I stayed silent for a long time and fell into a physically excruciating depression, until I finally turned to Jesus and truly took to heart the scripture “casting your care on Him, for He cares for you (I Peter 5:7).” This time will be different. Sure, there are hard moments and tears and questions, but I am, we are, choosing to lean in hard on our faith, on our Jesus, where comfort and the “peace that passes all understanding” can be found (Philippians 4:7).

Prayers appreciated – more than I can even begin to express.

Fresh Perspective and Resolutions

This morning I stood just outside my mom's storm door watching Willow Grace wave to me and blow me kisses. After every summer, Christmas break, and spring break I have a hard time leaving her once again, and this morning I felt that familiar twinge, that wrenching feeling tugging at my heart. And yet, as I peered back through the glass and skipped off towards my little car, I couldn't help but smile. The fact that I was leaving her meant that she is well enough for me to return to work. She is well and getting healthier every day. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

In the last couple days I've heard several stories about other parents who have recently lost their children - to illness, accidents, and suicide. One of those families has a story similar to ours. They took their young daughter to the emergency room a couple weeks ago, and just like us they were encouraged to take her home. We were blessed to have an amazing nurse who was a strong advocate for us and enabled us to stay at the hospital, which was good because it wasn't until the next day that we found out how serious Willow Grace's condition was. This other family, they took their little girl home, and just a few days before Christmas she died. My heart grieves for that mother and father and for all those who love that little girl. As I go to sleep each night, I pray for them. In the middle of the night, I wake up praying for them, and I do the same when I wake in the morning. This could have so easily been us, and I am so very grateful that at this moment my dear girl is sleeping peacefully in her own bed just down the hall.

All of these stories have reminded me of what a great war we wage each day. This isn't all just happenstance; we have a real enemy who daily seeks to wreck our lives, ripping apart our families and stealing our peace in any way he can. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10 NKJV) We have to fight for each other. We have to fight for our children, our families, and others who do not yet know how to fight for themselves. The first and most important step in this is faith-filled prayer. It's the most powerful weapon we have. I'm committing myself to pray more for others this year than I ever have.

One other thing I've decided to do is start writing again in my grateful journal. I used to be quite faithful in writing down 3-5 things each day for which I was grateful, but somewhere along the line in the last few years I seriously started slacking in that department. I really want to live in gratitude, constantly aware of how God has blessed my life, and so, at least a few times a week I plan to jot down a few of those blessings.

Here's what I'll be adding tonight:
1. Shared a delicious breakfast at Lovelace Cafe with 130+ co-workers and some of my dearest friends this morning
2. Had a great conversation on the phone with a sweet friend whom I haven't been able to talk to in quite while
3. Woke early this morning and had good devotional time with my Savior
4. Was able to start working out again this morning. Love Pilates!
5. Had a fun trip to the grocery store with Willow Grace and enjoyed "oohing" and "ahhing" at the last of the Christmas light displays with her on the way home

Refocus

Whenever I look back over my life and find moments or even long periods of floundering in stress and emotional struggles, I cannot help but notice and admit that whatever difficulty I may have been facing was made so much worse if I failed to spend time in prayer and the Scriptures. Confusion, emotional strain, depression, feeling overwhelmed - all of these and more start to creep in when I like, Peter, take my eyes off of Jesus and look at the storm raging all around me. In truth, the reason why I handled my time so well at Willow Grace's side in the hospital is because I spent so much time all day long and even in the night watches praying, reading the Bible, and listening to good preachers of faith on the internet. I surrounded myself with scriptures in our little room, posting them at eye level so that in whichever direction I or anyone else looked, even in the bathroom, there was something uplifting to encourage our spirits. Indeed, there were times when a doctor or nurse would stand there, wearing some dark expression, and gravely utter some negative report, and I, instead of meditating on that human reasoning, chose instead to focus on the promises my dear Lord gave me ages ago.

After we all returned home from the hospital we struggled to return to some sense of normalcy, and in my desire to return my home to a somewhat organized state focused more on that than I did on spending time with my Savior. I began to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and I realized once again that I had made a poor trade - organization for time with the Lord. My heart, mind, and emotions all began to betray me and travel down paths devoid of the Lord's calling. We are still adjusting and working through Willow Grace's recovery. She continues to improve more and more each day. She is actually sleeping between 11-14 hours each night! Her little body (and I do mean little, as she lost so much weight) is busy in the healing process. However, in most respects, things have calmed down considerably, and so, I now readjust and refocus and thank my God that all along the way He is with me, gently leading me back into His presence and in the way I should go. I confess that I so desperately need Him, and that is one place of desperation for which I am not ashamed.

My own Christmas miracle....

That's how I'll remember this December. How else can one explain the rapid recovery my girl has made from this illness? Despite the predictions of the doctors, the way the illness was progressing, and the standard recovery time for HUS, we are going home weeks ahead of schedule. Prayer works. I had asked that everyone pray that we make it home by Christmas, and the doctors are now telling us that not only will we be home for Christmas, we should be going home on Saturday or Sunday! Amazing! Praises fill my heart.

Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness; drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day!

How can I help but sing when I look at my little girl's face, no longer constantly strained in pain or ghostly white? Praise the Lord for the great things He has done!

(Our happy Willow Grace tonight after receiving a holiday Barbie from our dear friend, Leslie)

Tomorrow, Willow Grace will have surgery some time in the morning to have the catheter removed from her tummy. Depending on how everything goes, she may or may not need to have a blood transfusion. We're praying that all goes well and no transfusion is needed. After that, we'll watch her blood levels and her nutrition, and those two things will determine when she will be released to go home. Home. That sounds so good and so hopeful to me now.

The last two days have been so joyful. Constant good news and lots of play time with my sweet girl. She's actually been out of bed singing, dancing, and walking around. While she's still be a bit wobbly on her feet, she has still managed to make the most of what energy she does have. We also finally gained clearance today to be taken off of "no contact" when her final culture came back declaring her free of e. coli! Before that came through, however, the physical therapist gained special permission for her to leave the room. The condition was that she had to suited up in a special yellow gown and hospital gloves. We told her that we needed to put her princess gloves on and a special Belle gown, and she was more than happy to comply!

(Willow Grace in the hospital playroom in her "princess" gown and gloves)

I know I've said this dozens of times here and in emails and on Facebook, but thank you so much for all your prayers. We appreciate them more than I can ever express. And I now ask that you continue to pray for us. Pray us home. And pray for Willow Grace during her surgery tomorrow, for the rest of her recovery here and at home, for our transition back to "normal" life after being in the hospital for so long.

Happiness!!!

No long post just...

GREAT NEWS!!

- Off dialysis today
- Off the TPN/IV tonight
- Waiting for one more negative culture on the e. coli so we can leave the room and go to the hospital playroom
- Having the catheter in her tummy removed Thurs or Fri
- Should be home first of next week - a month ahead of time! Woo-hoo!

Here's a little Christmas greeting from Willow Grace (and me) to you!



Thank you for your prayers! Thank you for all the ways you've taken care of us! We're almost there! Please continue to pray us all the way home!

Faith, Sleep, and Making Lists

Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (KJV)

Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired. (AMP)


True faith is praying for rain and then carrying an umbrella, living expectantly. We are living expectantly, and yet my heart is still filled with wonder and amazement as I listen to Willow Grace's doctors tell me that she is improving quicker than normal. Now, instead of predicting that we will be here for another four weeks, they are telling us it will be closer to a week or possibly two! I know that prayer works and that it is working in the life of our little girl and in our own hearts. Today she was able to get out of bed for just a bit for a little physical therapy. It's heart-breaking to see the fear in her eyes as she wobbles around painfully on her little legs which she hasn't really used in the last two weeks, and yet she refused to quit trying. Such a determined, brave little girl!

And yet, I confess that, physically, I have, at times, grown weary and tired, and I have lost my patience and felt the weight of this ordeal bearing down on me. And I have looked to sleep as the only solution for curing my intense fatigue. Of course, I do need sleep, and a good night's rest certainly does help to refresh one's perspective, but it is not a lasting solution. Truly, the only thing that has carried me through this is faith. Faith in God. Faith that He will see us through this. Faith that He can take this awful circumstance and bring from it something beautiful.

Tonight, once again, my energy has been nearly depleted. I will lay down my head searching for some peace and sweet sleep, and yet if my girl needs me in the night, as has been the case several times a night every night we've been here, I will somehow call up any energy I may have in reserve and tend to her. Thank God for the blessing of three women in my life, (my sweet Mama, my mother-in-law Donitta, and my dear friend Leslie) who have been staying the nights with me here in the hospital, sitting by Willow Grace's bedside so that I might get some rest. How they have ministered to me and to Willow Grace! I am overwhelmingly grateful for the gift of their presence and how they have tenderly loved and taken care of my little family.

A couple years ago I developed a new habit. I try every night when I go to bed to focus on something positive before I go to sleep. If I can't sleep, I try listing things alphabetically in my head like things having to do with Christmas (Advent, Bethlehem, caroling...), people I love (Donitta, Eva Joy, Frazier...), or the attributes of God (gracious, holy, inspiring...); or I might focus on a scripture or something He's done in my life or the lives' of those I know. Tonight, I'll be focusing on the scripture above and praying that He renews my strength and the strength of all those parents, grandparents, and friends who are watching over children in this hospital tonight.

Challenges and Triumphs

Psalm 106:1
Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Though we still had our share of challenging moments today, our day was also full of positives and little steps ahead. As for the challenges, she's still throwing up about twice a day and is also having some really painful abdominal pain. Of course, it's hard to watch her go through this. All I can do is hold her little hand and speak soothing words and pray her through it. Also, she had to have the dressing on her picc line changed today which is quite painful and scary for her.

And then, just so we could fill our drama quota for today, a man showed up at our door telling us that he needed to take Willow Grace downstairs for an x-ray because the perennial catheter in her stomach was leaking. Well, that was news to me! After what happened a few days ago, we've decided to question just about everything. The man wanted us to help him wheel her down to x-ray with everything, all her little machines, in tow. I protested and explained that she is hooked up to the dialysis machine 24 hours a day, and that machine cannot be moved. He was insistent, and Chris told him to go check again. We called the nurse and asked her to double check as well. It turns out that he had received the wrong orders. The doctor had mistakenly written down Willow Grace's name for the x-ray when it was another little girl who had the leaking catheter! I'm so glad we aren't accepting the word of every person who shows up at our door in a set of scrubs.

And now on to the positives!

First, I finally heard her laugh after not hearing it for two weeks! At 2:30 AM, she was awake and playing with her Nana (my mom) She was blowing through a Santa Claus straw which was making little whistling noises. It was cracking her up! I actually fell back to sleep listening to that sweet little tinkling noise! Also, Willow Grace was hungry today. She woke up asking for Fritos! I'm not even sure why she asked for those as she's only had them a couple times before in her life. It's not really the kind of thing she's allowed to eat just yet in the hospital, so I convinced her instead to try a roll, of which she ate half! Great progress after not eating for two weeks! Another highlight was the two hours she was allowed to be off of the dialysis today. While she still wasn't cleared to leave the room, not having tested negative for the e. coli as of yet, we were still able to get her out of bed and move around with her. And my little princess felt like singing today! Normally, she's so vibrant and loves to sing and dance. We caught a little glimpse of that little drama queen today. Check out the video below of her singing with me while her Gran-Gran (Chris's mom) holds her. (Sorry that my voice is so loud)

I Should Be Asleep But....

I just had to record my thoughts first.

Early this morning I slipped out of our little hospital room, leaving my sweet friend, Leslie, who had stayed the night with us, and Willow Grace asleep; and I wandered downstairs to grab a bit of breakfast. As soon as I stepped out of the elevator, my ears were met by the swell of a piano and the most soulful voice. At first, being so early I felt that it must be a recording, and yet I could not help but go in search of the source which I soon discovered to be in the little hospital chapel. A young black man sat alone in the chapel playing the baby grand and singing out in earnest praises to the Lord. I slid into a rocking chair in the back of the room and closed my eyes letting the words swirl around in my head and calm my heart. It was just a few moments of listening to someone else singing worship songs, and yet it was as good as any church service I could have attended.

After a few songs, he stopped, and I inquired, "So, is this something you do every Sunday, or are you a patient's dad?" To which he replied, "No, actually, I work here. I try to come before my shift so I can worship the Lord and spend a little time in His presence." He went on to tell me that he works in critical care. He describe how everyone becomes really attached the children in the hospital under their care and how hard that is, especially in critical care. Sometimes those children are here for months, and sometimes after all that time they lose them. "It's really hard when a child passes," he told me. "Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is coming down here and worshipping the Lord." He asked me about my own situation, and I told him about Willow Grace and our time here. After we talked for a while longer, he asked me if he could pray with me. Taking both of my hands in his own, he uttered the most beautiful, complete prayer including not only Willow Grace and her healing but also our whole family and every doctor, nurse, caregiver, and visitor who came in and out of our room. He prayed a special blessing over After the prayer, he hugged me and headed on upstairs to start his shift while I continued my journey to the cafeteria trying not to shed tears (even tears of joy and hope)so early in my day. What a blessed way to start my day!

Oh, how I needed that this morning. Willow Grace continues to improve though there are still so many challenges each day. Apparently she has developed an infection at the site of her picc line. She's been running a fever all weekend, and they did some tests to determine the cause. And so, they decided to give her two different kinds of antibiotics to cure the infection. The first one was fine, but the second one caused red man syndrome. In case you're not familiar with this condition, it's when a drug causes a person's head, neck, and sometimes torso to turn red and start itching terribly. Willow Grace had a terribly reaction. She was thrashing about violently, scratching her head frantically with both hands, and screaming. It was horrendous. The nurses decided to give her some Benedryl by IV which caused another crazy reaction. At first she calmed down, and then suddenly she was screaming, kicking, and thrashing about on the bed. Though Benedryl by IV can cause an adverse reaction in children, the severity of Willow Grace's reaction alarmed the nurse, and she gave Willow Grace some Tylenol and paged the doctor. A few moments after she had the Tylenol, in the middle of a crying out, she fell fast asleep, absolutely exhausted. The doctor came to examine her and determined that she would be fine. And most of the rest of the afternoon and evening, she has slept.

I'm hoping that she cotinues to sleep tonight, letting her little body heal and also allowing me to get some rest. I am one very, very tired mommy.

"What We Have Here Is... Failure to Communicate"

Today I was reminded of those famous words above from Cool Hand Luke. (If you haven't seen the movie, you should. So amazing.)

Twice today I had people show up at the door to Willow Grace's room ready to perform different medical procedures of which we had not been informed. Needless to say, this was quite unsettling. First, while Willow Grace was taking a rather satisfying nap, a man opened the door to her room and entered pulling a large machine behind him announcing that he was ready to do a chest x-ray. A chest x-ray? Why? He didn't know; it was just his job to do the x-ray. About thirty minutes later, a nurse stepped inside and said, "OK, we're almost ready to put in her feeding tube. She's not going to like this at all, and she'll probably get pretty upset!" Really? This is how they choose to let me know about these things? I had to step into the bathroom and try to pull myself together after hitting one of those emotional breaking points. I sat down on the edge of the tub and cried and prayed.

I thought, "Here we go again... more opportunities to see if I can walk in love. I put these scriptures up all over the room for a reason." Today, I kept seeing Isaiah 26:3 which is posted on the door going into the bathroom, "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You." Each time I see that scripture, I choose once again to trust, and in return I immediately feel God's peace wash over me.

I couldn't handle staying in the room while they put the feeding tube in. I stepped outside feeling like I had abandoned my little girl in a time of need and had just completely failed as a mother in that moment. And even in that moment of despair, God brought two people into my life to show me how much He cares. First was the mother of two of my former students who is also a nurse. She was about to head into my room to assist with the procedure. She hugged me and lovingly explained everything to me. After she went inside I stepped a couple doors down into the nutrition room to get some ice water, and I met Victor the maintenance man. He told me about doing the same thing with his daughter, "They were about to put a big ol' needle in her back, and I thought, 'Now I gonna be a man about this,' but I just couldn't. I had to go out in the hall and wait. You OK. Your little girl is gonna be OK," he told me. He talked to me a bit more and made me smile and told me he'd be praying for me.


(Willow Grace after they put the feeding tube in)

Later, one of the doctors from the nephrology team came up to apologize about the breakdown in communication. She admitted that someone should have come and explained everything to me just after they made their decisions. She didn't make any excuses for their actions; she just apologized. And I found out that some of the information I was given earlier was faulty. It turns out that Willow Grace needed the chest xray to determine why she was having such a hard time breathing and to see if she had fluid on her lungs, and she needed the tube, which is not be used as a feeding tube, to help release some of the pressure on her tummy during dialysis. Apparently the dialysis is causing her intestines to press up on her lungs which is causing her to breathe really shallow. I told them I understood that all of this was needed to help her, but I would have appreciated a "little heads up" next time.

So, today, has been a difficult day - for those reasons and also because my sweet girl has been in a lot of pain. Any parents who may be reading this understand; I wish I could take that pain away so badly. And so I pray, kneeling next to her bed, as I pace around the room, and sometimes when I retreat to the bathroom to hide my tears from her searching eyes. It's a bit funny to me that the little hospital bathroom has become my "prayer closet," but I think it's as good a place as any.

An Elephant Named Ralph, Willow Grace, and God

Willow Grace w/her favorite buddy Ralph the elephant (11/25/10)Before we left for the ER on Wedneday, she made sure that she had him with her!

Last night I laid here on this little couch in Willow Grace's hospital room watching her stare at the ceiling and occasionally at Mickey Mouse on TV. She slept very little which means that I slept very little. I think we must be near where the Life Flight helicopters take off and land. I stopped counting after I heard the fifth one, and I prayed for each of those pilots and patients and their families, and I am so grateful that though we are battling through this we are not dealing with some of harsher realities that other families are facing. And what's more and makes all the difference is that we have divine hope based on our faith in God. In my quiet moments, I've been praying not only for my little family but for all those who have found themselves in this place this week.

In case you haven't heard, Willow Grace was originally diagnosed with colitus and dehydration and then with e. coli poisoning and Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome (HUS)which attacks the red blood cells and kidneys. As of yesteray morning, her kidneys were functioning at about 25%. Antibiotics don't work on this. She is getting fluids by IV and lasiks. They are watching her very closely and have discussed with us the possibility of dialysis, and they told us that at the least we'd be here another week. Right now they are really concerned about her potassium levels and her platelets.

As unreal as all this still seems at times to me, I feel overwhelming peace and comfort. I know that this is due to the hundreds of prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf, and I am tremendously grateful for everyone who is praying for us. We need it and feel it. Please keep praying and thanking God for Willow Grace's healing. Also, I've been constantly choosing to put my faith in Christ. I've been reading the Bible, praying, and singing praise songs every chance I get.

Here are the two scripturs which are keeping me encouraged and which I posted on the large dry erase board in Willow Grace's room:

1 Peter 5:7 (New King James Version)
casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

2 Timothy 1:7 (New King James Version)
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Faithfulness

I've been struggling with sleep all night. A bad headache and disturbing dreams have kept me awake. So, about an hour ago, I thought I'd come and catch up on some friends' blogs and perhaps get a little time in on Facebook. Mostly, I've been reading about all my friends' adoption struggles, shedding a few tears for them, praying for their strength and provision, and remembering how faithful our God is.

Truly, in this early hour (about 4:35 AM), I am overwhelmed with His faithfulness and His love. If He says that He will do it, you can count on it. Every day I choose to trust Him, and I purpose to rest in Him. It's not always easy (In fact, it's rarely easy.) when I look at my own struggles and the world around me. But I will not give up. And it does get so much easier when I choose to focus on Him and not the storm around me -- a lesson I keep learning over and over and over again from Peter on the water as he walked towards Jesus.

Tonight (this morning), I am praying for the Kecks, the Mayernicks, the Doyles, the Francises, and so many others. I've added a new gadget to the side of my blog, "Stories of Faith." Most of those deal with families who are currently adopting or have adopted. Beautiful and heart wrenching and vibrant examples of God's love for us. It certainly makes me want to do more, to find a way to do more. For now, I am supporting these families with my prayer and any other support I can lend.

Tragic

I find myself in a state of mixed sadness, anger, and confusion this morning. We have lost another person to suicide; my friend’s best friend took his life. I’m sure you can imagine the pain she is now experiencing. There was no warning, no reason given for this. I have about a thousand thoughts and feelings whipping around in my brain. I’m not going to go into all of that right now.

This is what I want you to know, what we all need to be reminded of:

You are loved. You are needed. Your life has purpose. Your life matters. We need you here. No matter what you are going through, no matter what you have done or what has been done to you, God has everything you need to cope with and overcome it, whether it’s strength, love, courage, comfort, understanding, forgiveness, patience, or whatever. Don’t suffer alone. Don’t try to fight alone. He put us here on this earth so that we could stand together. He gave us His Son and the Holy Spirit. We are not alone.

Please pray for me as I minister to my friend.