Again, it happened again. Just a few short weeks ago and only 15 months after suffering my first miscarriage, it happened again.

My first miscarriage was shockingly abrupt and over so quickly. I was in denial about it for a week before I finally acknowledged it and went to see the doctor. Not this time. I struggled for weeks and the end was finally confirmed with an ultrasound. Where I had once seen a beautiful beating heart, there was nothing. Empty. Deserted. I’ve always been a curvy girl, my whole life, and yet in those moments staring at that screen and for days afterwards, I felt small and hollow.

All the excitement and planning and dreaming ended, and more than I anticipated had to be undone. We had to tell our daughter that, once again, she would have to wait until heaven to meet her sibling. We had to tell our family and close friends that our baby was no longer growing in my tummy. In my excitement, I had already pulled out my old maternity clothes, borrowed some from my sister, and had even ordered a couple pieces that were waiting to be worn; all of that had to be packed away. And there were other details I had to attend to, none of which do I wish to expound upon here.

And now, all that is left is the recovery. Physically, I’m better. Now, it’s just the battlefield of the mind and emotions where I must make my stand, where we, my wonderful Chris and I, must press on. Fighting against the sadness and ponderings of “what if” and “if only.”

And that’s where the struggle meets our faith. Without faith, without hope – the kind of hope that is an “anchor of the soul” – I would not be able to make it (Hebrews 6:19). I wouldn’t be able to get up each day and to move forward believing that God really does love me and has “a hope and a future" for me and our family (Jeremiah 29:11). The first time I stayed silent for a long time and fell into a physically excruciating depression, until I finally turned to Jesus and truly took to heart the scripture “casting your care on Him, for He cares for you (I Peter 5:7).” This time will be different. Sure, there are hard moments and tears and questions, but I am, we are, choosing to lean in hard on our faith, on our Jesus, where comfort and the “peace that passes all understanding” can be found (Philippians 4:7).

Prayers appreciated – more than I can even begin to express.

Beauty

Just some thoughts running around in my head....

All my life I've pursued beauty - in one form or another. Sometimes it was in looking for the richest of words to add color and flavor to my writing; at other times it was in seeking out just the right object to freshen up my home. I've gone wandering in nature in search of a breathtaking view or a quiet hollow. However, most of the time, it's been the exhausting pursuit of trying to make myself look and feel beautiful.

When I think about the moments in my life that I've felt the most beautiful, they are always simple moments. Even on my wedding day, surrounded with all the trappings of modern beauty (perfectly manicured nails, carefully applied makeup, my fairy tale dress), I did not really feel beautiful. Later, during the honeymoon, wandering around Gatlinburg in my regular clothes and hanging on my new husband's arm; that's when I felt it. If it's in those simple moments like being cuddled up with my daughter, the both of us in pj's; hugging my husband while he makes me laugh; or hanging out with my mom and just chatting that I feel the beauty of life and myself beautiful in it, then why do I search for more than that?

I think it's because the search for beauty within and outside of ourselves is a universal endeavor that never ends. Even once it's been found, the search continues. I suppose it's something like looking for the next drink of water or meal or breath. We need beauty. It nourishes our souls as food does the body. I truly believe that's why God created so much beauty in the this world for us to behold.

(As as aside: My reference to the soul is defined as a person's mind, will, and emotions.)

Hodge Podge

It's about 11 PM, and everyone in my house, including the dog, is asleep, except me. I just have too much going on in my head. Really, a hodge podge of stuff... thus the title of this little entry. I started out by typing my packing list for my upcoming trip. Yes, typing it. I always make a packing list and generally go through several drafts. That sounds high maintenance, I know, but I'm only high maintenance for me. I try not to levy my burdensome quirks on others.

Anyway, preparing for this trip only serves to remind me that it's been quite a while since I was away from my little family, and never both of them at once for this length of time. I'll miss kissing them both goodnight and snuggling in both physically and metaphorically to this cozy little life we've built for ourselves. Instead, I'll be in a cabin with ten seventh grade girls on a trip with 113 seventh grade students - fun and wild and adventurous but not quite cozy.

Also on my mind? The stories of the three books I've been reading as of late are swirling around in my mind mixing their plots and characters in strange and intriguing ways. Also in the mix are the three different books that are in different stages of being written by me. And then there's the personal stuff - my sister's son who has been ill and for whom I've been praying for constantly, my need to get in better shape, a half a dozen dreams I have for the future of my family, all the ways I've erred as of late, and so on. Doesn't it sound like I lack focus? I don't really. There's just always a lot going on in my head. My husband, Chris, is often amused when I track backwards from a seemingly random thought and follow the train from caboose to engine

This reminds me of a little scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. (Yes, I'm a Potter nerd!) Harry, Hermione, and Ron are all talking about Harry's recent first kiss and all the stuff that might have been going through Cho Chang's mind when he kissed her, and Ron said, " One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode.” To which Hermione replied, "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have." So, I wonder what we'd have to use to measure my emotional range?

Somehow I'm going to have to quiet all these thoughts and find some rest myself tonight. I thought maybe writing about them would help, but it seems to me that it's even more jumbled than before. So, I'll choose between my two tried and true ways to calm my brain - praying myself to sleep or a little game I play. I've been playing this game for years and it actually works quite well. Hmmm, déjà vu... have I written about this before? It's a little alphabet game. I choose a category, and I go through the alphabet listing things having that are relevant to that topic. (Christmas - advent, Bethlehem, Claus, and so on; home - armoire, buffet, candlestick, etc.)

Guess we'll see how it goes....

Fresh Perspective and Resolutions

This morning I stood just outside my mom's storm door watching Willow Grace wave to me and blow me kisses. After every summer, Christmas break, and spring break I have a hard time leaving her once again, and this morning I felt that familiar twinge, that wrenching feeling tugging at my heart. And yet, as I peered back through the glass and skipped off towards my little car, I couldn't help but smile. The fact that I was leaving her meant that she is well enough for me to return to work. She is well and getting healthier every day. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

In the last couple days I've heard several stories about other parents who have recently lost their children - to illness, accidents, and suicide. One of those families has a story similar to ours. They took their young daughter to the emergency room a couple weeks ago, and just like us they were encouraged to take her home. We were blessed to have an amazing nurse who was a strong advocate for us and enabled us to stay at the hospital, which was good because it wasn't until the next day that we found out how serious Willow Grace's condition was. This other family, they took their little girl home, and just a few days before Christmas she died. My heart grieves for that mother and father and for all those who love that little girl. As I go to sleep each night, I pray for them. In the middle of the night, I wake up praying for them, and I do the same when I wake in the morning. This could have so easily been us, and I am so very grateful that at this moment my dear girl is sleeping peacefully in her own bed just down the hall.

All of these stories have reminded me of what a great war we wage each day. This isn't all just happenstance; we have a real enemy who daily seeks to wreck our lives, ripping apart our families and stealing our peace in any way he can. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10 NKJV) We have to fight for each other. We have to fight for our children, our families, and others who do not yet know how to fight for themselves. The first and most important step in this is faith-filled prayer. It's the most powerful weapon we have. I'm committing myself to pray more for others this year than I ever have.

One other thing I've decided to do is start writing again in my grateful journal. I used to be quite faithful in writing down 3-5 things each day for which I was grateful, but somewhere along the line in the last few years I seriously started slacking in that department. I really want to live in gratitude, constantly aware of how God has blessed my life, and so, at least a few times a week I plan to jot down a few of those blessings.

Here's what I'll be adding tonight:
1. Shared a delicious breakfast at Lovelace Cafe with 130+ co-workers and some of my dearest friends this morning
2. Had a great conversation on the phone with a sweet friend whom I haven't been able to talk to in quite while
3. Woke early this morning and had good devotional time with my Savior
4. Was able to start working out again this morning. Love Pilates!
5. Had a fun trip to the grocery store with Willow Grace and enjoyed "oohing" and "ahhing" at the last of the Christmas light displays with her on the way home

Odds & Ends (and a Peaceful New Year)

It's been a few days since my last post, twelve to be exact. However, I've been wrapping myself up in a cozy quilt of home, family, and Christmas. Sitting in front of a roaring fire that my husband has lovingly built and watching Willow Grace play happily with her new toys in front of the Christmas tree while I tackle a few dozen thank you notes has taken most all the extra time I've had, not that I've had much.

It turns out that Willow Grace has needed almost as much tending to out of the hospital as she did in. While most people might see Willow Grace and think that she looks close to normal, there are things a mother's eye do not miss. The pale shade of her cheek, the faint dark circles under her eyes, the lack of luster in her hair, the tendency to whine -- these all do not belong to my daughter. She's also been getting up between two and four o'clock every morning and staying up. We both are in desperate need of more sleep. Never has she been so clingy or so quick to cry. Since she was a newborn she was low-maintenance and seemed to have a near perfect balance of dependence and independence. However, that seems to have changed a bit since she became ill. The doctor assures me that this is quite common in recovering from HUS and an extended hospital stay and all will be back to normal in a few weeks. I had to take her back to the doctor last week. She was looking quite ghost-like, was coughing incessantly, and often threw up whenever she coughed too hard or cried too hard. It turns out that it's just a really nasty cold made worse by her compromised immune system. The doctor said it would be another couple weeks before her immune system is strong enough to fight off much, and so we've decided to keep her out of school for at least a week and maybe two.

Both Chris and I ended up at the walk-in clinic yesterday morning. It was kind of weird to be seen as a couple, but since we had basically the same symptoms, I guess they thought they'd "kill two birds with one stone" (the birds being the illnesses and not us). We had already sent Willow Grace to stay with his parents on New Year's Eve to help protect her from whatever was going on with us; she certainly didn't need anything more to deal with. It turns out that both of us were diagnosed with sinusitis, and I had also developed bronchitis. A pair of steroid shots and a couple of z-packs later, and we were good to good to go!

Upon arriving home from the hospital a couple weeks ago, I've been busily trying to get the house into some sort of organized state, a battle that I feel starts fresh every morning, complicated somewhat by tending to a recovering daughter and then falling ill myself. Of course I won't be taking down my tree until next Saturday. The twelve days of Christmas ends on Wednesday, and Saturday will be my first chance to tend to that task. That's fine by me; we were so late in getting it up. I really don't mind enjoying it a little while longer. However, perhaps after all the holiday trimmings are put away things will start to fall into place a little easier.

A new year. And so we begin again. The new semester starts tomorrow, and I am truly looking forward to being back with my colleagues and friends and to getting back into a normal schedule. This year, I am a full-time substitute, which keeps me quite busy but generally spares me taking grading or other work home. For the first month back to school, however, I'll be teaching eighth grade science. Yes, eighth grade science for a month! I'm a little nervous about this, especially since my natural talents tend to be in the humanities and not in the areas of math and science. However, I relish a challenge, and I am sure that I can meet this one. In the realm of new beginnings, I also haven't worked out since before Willow Grace fell ill, and so my plan is to start that back up again tomorrow. Yes, I know I've been ill and out of practice; don't worry. I'll start out slow. I think I'll kick it off with some Pilates and light jogging this week to get myself loosened up and ready for something more strenuous by next week.

One final note: This morning, I was listening to a preacher who said that Christmas was about reconciliation and peace, not between men and each other but between men and God. When the angels said, "Peace on earth," they meant between men and God. Either I had never thought of it that way before or it never really struck me as it did this morning. I had sometimes wondered why there wasn't more peace between men. In discussing this with Chris, he said, "Of course, there will never be peace between men.... A man must have peace with God before he can have peace with men." And so, this year, my wish, my prayer, for you, my dear friends, is that you may have peace in your home, with your family, and with all those you come into contact but most of all with Jesus Christ.

Faith, Sleep, and Making Lists

Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (KJV)

Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired. (AMP)


True faith is praying for rain and then carrying an umbrella, living expectantly. We are living expectantly, and yet my heart is still filled with wonder and amazement as I listen to Willow Grace's doctors tell me that she is improving quicker than normal. Now, instead of predicting that we will be here for another four weeks, they are telling us it will be closer to a week or possibly two! I know that prayer works and that it is working in the life of our little girl and in our own hearts. Today she was able to get out of bed for just a bit for a little physical therapy. It's heart-breaking to see the fear in her eyes as she wobbles around painfully on her little legs which she hasn't really used in the last two weeks, and yet she refused to quit trying. Such a determined, brave little girl!

And yet, I confess that, physically, I have, at times, grown weary and tired, and I have lost my patience and felt the weight of this ordeal bearing down on me. And I have looked to sleep as the only solution for curing my intense fatigue. Of course, I do need sleep, and a good night's rest certainly does help to refresh one's perspective, but it is not a lasting solution. Truly, the only thing that has carried me through this is faith. Faith in God. Faith that He will see us through this. Faith that He can take this awful circumstance and bring from it something beautiful.

Tonight, once again, my energy has been nearly depleted. I will lay down my head searching for some peace and sweet sleep, and yet if my girl needs me in the night, as has been the case several times a night every night we've been here, I will somehow call up any energy I may have in reserve and tend to her. Thank God for the blessing of three women in my life, (my sweet Mama, my mother-in-law Donitta, and my dear friend Leslie) who have been staying the nights with me here in the hospital, sitting by Willow Grace's bedside so that I might get some rest. How they have ministered to me and to Willow Grace! I am overwhelmingly grateful for the gift of their presence and how they have tenderly loved and taken care of my little family.

A couple years ago I developed a new habit. I try every night when I go to bed to focus on something positive before I go to sleep. If I can't sleep, I try listing things alphabetically in my head like things having to do with Christmas (Advent, Bethlehem, caroling...), people I love (Donitta, Eva Joy, Frazier...), or the attributes of God (gracious, holy, inspiring...); or I might focus on a scripture or something He's done in my life or the lives' of those I know. Tonight, I'll be focusing on the scripture above and praying that He renews my strength and the strength of all those parents, grandparents, and friends who are watching over children in this hospital tonight.

Dancing Raindrops

The roar of the old Rover thundering down the highway mixed strangely and yet somehow comfortingly with Norah Jones playing on my husband's IPOD. Our sweet girl in the backseat blissfully unaware of all around her slept undisturbed by the noise. So, I pulled my own blanket a little tighter to my chest and settled more comfortably into my seat. Peering towards my husband behind the wheel, I noticed just beyond him the dance of the raindrops on the window, two drops in particular frantically jitterbugging around each other, momentarily joining together and then bursting apart once again. On and on they went circling one another, confidently striking out on their own or even being forced apart by the relentless wind but every few seconds inexplicably finding their way back to each other again. Amused and in awe, I watched mesmerized wondering how long they could sustain their dance, but at once the action slowed as the two drops melted into one another and swirled gently around. Thinking the show was over I contemplated looking away, yet the drops suddenly separated into not just two but five, with three being considerably smaller. A family. The five danced together swirling around one another just as the two had done, venturing away from one another but always finding their way back.

Just a few silly little raindrops — and yet my heart was pierced with beauty, sadness, joy, and hope. How can that be? How could something so seemingly insignificant touch me so deeply? Each day, each moment is filled with the possibility for these sorts of connections. A solitary leaf clinging stubbornly to an otherwise naked tree, the early morning discovery of a world covered in hitherto unmarred blankets of snow, happening upon a rainbow in the midst of a dreary day – all these call upon something deeper within us, something worthy of awe and reverence and, at least, our attention. What is it that we’re supposed to glean from all of this? It’s different… and the same… for all of us, and it’s all a part of our journey.

The Nashville Zoo

Chris and I went to the zoo a year ago with Willow Grace, and she loved it then. Her favorite thing at 11 months old was the elephants which she kept calling "dog" or "Bella" like our massive Great Pyranees/Lab. On that visit, we bought her a little stuffed elephant whom we call Ralph, and she has loved Ralph well this last year.

I was anxious to see how she would react at 23 months, and she did not disappoint. Even as we approached the gates, she was trembling with joy and saying, "I go see the animals!"

This time she walked for most of the time there and absolutely loved seeing all the animals. This year's favorite? The zebra. She had been talking about zebras for days, so I knew she would be giddy about seeing them. She giggled and pointed and tried talking to them. And, of course, to commemorate our trip, we bought her a little stuffed zebra whom we've named Leroy. She loves Leroy!

I didn't take any cool pics of the animals this year, just a few of us and Willow Grace. We have a little video we shot which I hope to post soon.

Willow Grace Wednesday

I have a wealth of pictures to share this week. I guess I've made up for all that time I forgot to snap a shot or two. I can't believe that we have less than a month before she turns two! Oh, I guess I better get busy on my party planning!

(Her favorite On Demand episode of My Friends Tigger and Pooh was about to expire. In it Pooh dresses as a queen bee and looks for honey. So, Willow Grace got to be queen bee too!)

(I suppose she's judging her wings to see if she really can fly.)

(Wearing Daddy's hat and having a little conversation with Pluto. She loves wearing her daddy's hat.)

(Tickle fest with Daddy!)

(Such a Daddy's girl!)

(So excited to be wearing Papa's Nikes!)

(Willow Grace and her sweet Papa!)

I hope you're having a great Wednesday!

Weekend Getaway

Chris, Willow Grace, and I spent a restful weekend in Gatlinburg. Since most of the pics we took were of Willow Grace, I'm going to post them tomorrow.

One of the best things about the weekend was the lack of agenda. We didn't really want to do anything but relax and spend time together. We only left our villa a couple times and not for very long. For most of our time there we kept the fire lit and spent our time hanging out in the living room. We viewed about a half dozen movies, played with Willow Grace, took an indulgently long and restful afternoon nap on Sunday, fiddled around on the computer, and just hung out. We only ate out once, taking breakfast Sunday morning at the Log Cabin Pancake House across the street from the resort; the rest of our meals were cooked in our villa. All in all, it was a nice weekend, and I'm sorry that we had to leave so soon. I'm looking forward to the day that we can spend a whole week there.

A Brief Glimpse of Home Life

Yesterday neither Chris nor I felt very well. I had been up most of the night, only getting about 2-3 hours of sleep. So, we played hooky from church and just lounged around all day in our pj’s in front of the TV and a lovely fire Chris built for us. Finally, as evening drew near and our feelings of ill health declined, we decided (and by we I mean me ☺) that we had to do a few things to get the house in order before the work week started. I busied myself with vacuuming, making dinner, and tending to the laundry. Chris straightened the living room and cleaned up the kitchen after dinner. After dinner, I was folding and putting away Willow Grace’s clothes when I heard her distinct hysterical giggles coming from the living room downstairs. To my surprise I also heard the classic Wham song “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.” Apparently Willow Grace LOVED the song and danced her little heart out with her daddy! I’m sorry I missed seeing it, but I have to tell you that listening to them was priceless!

My Husband Rocks! Friday

To join us in encouraging our spouses, check out Katy Lin's blog the great adventure. She's the mastermind behind this cool meme!

We had my parents over for dinner on Tuesday night. I made a big pot hearty vegetable beef soup, toasted a couple of baguettes in the oven, and served warm brownies with ice cream for dessert. Here’s the part where my husband rocks. While I got dinner on the table, Chris fed Willow Grace, played with her while I tidied up after, dressed her for bed, read her books, sang to her, and rocked her to sleep. When he came back downstairs, he finished cleaning up the kitchen for me while I visited with my parents, and then after they left he took my car to the gas station to fill it up for me. Doesn’t it all seem too good to be true? He really is that wonderful! His response would be,” I’m just me.” Well, he just rocks!

I wish that you could have seen Chris with Willow Grace. They were playing on the floor in front of the Christmas tree, and he was making her laugh hysterically. (Who doesn’t love hearing a baby cackle?) Once she let out a particularly delightful peal of giggles and said, “Oh, Daddy!” Precious! In between each bout of laughter, she would notice her Nana, Papa, and me watching from the dining room and pause to wave at us. So sweet!

This morning I got an extra couple of hours with my sweet husband and baby girl since the school where I work got a late opening due to snow. I hope your morning was as good as mine.

Merry Christmas!

A Bit of Nostalgia

I think I always start to get a bit nostalgic around the holidays, not just for sweet Thanksgiving and Christmas memories but also just ones from my childhood. I’m going to take a couple of posts to share a few of these with you. I thought I’d do one this week and one next week. Hmmm, maybe I’ll even make it a weekly thing. We’ll see.

ONE: My first memory comes from when I was two years old… yes, two. We lived in some apartments in north Nashville, and I was walking with my mom to the pool where a party was going on. I remember people being on the roof of the clubhouse when we arrived at the pool, and they were diving off into the pool. It seemed so exciting and dangerous, and I thought that adults must always have fun like that.

TWO: I am perhaps four years old. It’s such a lovely family picture of us --- Mom, Dad, my older brother Wayne --- having a picnic in a pavilion in the park. I remember my mom was wearing light colored jeans, and her dark hair hung loose down her back. Wayne and I went to hunt four leaf clovers in the grass. I looked up to see Mom and Dad close together in conversation and wondered what they were talking about. They would soon join Wayne and me in our search for four leaf clovers. Being only four, I didn’t understand then that this was no “normal” family picnic; I was just happy that we were all together. What was not “normal” about it? We were visiting my dad in prison, and that “park” was the prison yard of the Tennessee State Prison, incidentally the same prison from The Green Mile and The Last Castle.

(FYI for those of you not in the know: Daddy had become a Christian and a “man on fire” for God while in prison and did get out of prison. A year after getting out of prison, he started a ministry, Hope and Life Ministry, which includes jail/prison ministry and free counseling for marriage, drug/alcohol abuse, etc.)

THREE: I was about 11 years old, and we had a magnificent snow that winter. (Oh, why can’t it snow like that in Nashville once again?) Dad took Wayne and me and our best friends, Bonnie and Luke, out for some fun in the snow. His brand of fun was so different from most parents. He tied the sled to the back of the car and pulled us all over our neighborhood. Once all four of us were on the sled when Dad turned sharply around a corner sliding us all off of the back of the sled and landing us in exactly the same positions as on the sled. Later Bonnie and I were on the sled when it flipped over and somehow caught her food between the blade and the board causing her to be dragged behind the car. She was reaching out towards me and yelling, “Kay-Kay, help!” I tried running towards her but of course could not catch up to the slow moving car on the slippery snow. Finally freeing her foot, she laid there panting when I caught up to her and we set out to walk the mile back to our house. It was a short trip however, because Luke noticed the empty sled, and Dad turned around to retrieve us.

It's Monday, and I'm tired.

Do you remember those weekends when there was nothing to do or at least nothing that had to be done? I guess I might have still had some of those until July 2007, but after I got married in 2005 they certainly became less and less available.

The weekend started nice enough. On Friday night after we had gotten the little one off to bed Chris built a fire in our fireplace. It was our first time to use it since we moved here, and we very unpleasantly discovered that the handle which indicates that the flue is open is actually broken. This was, of course, discovered after getting the fire going. S0 -- break out the fire extinguisher, open the windows, turn on the fan, air out the house, and start all over again! Chris managed to crawl part way into the fireplace and open the flue manually. I actually had the pleasure of falling asleep on the couch to the crackling noise and the warm glow of a lovely fire. I'll try to liberate one of the pics from the camera later and post it.

That was the last bit of downtime....

Between traveling most of the day Saturday to see Chris's grandmother in Crossville and cleaning all day Sunday, there was little time for relaxation. We didn't make it to church on Sunday for the second time in a row! Willow Grace was ill with a bad cold and had developed a bad cough. I even considered taking her to the doctor but since she had no fever I knew I'd just be paying $25 to have them tell me, "Make sure she gets plenty of liquids and rest." Thanks, got it.

Instead of going with Chris to his belated birthday dinner at his parents' house, little Miss Willow Grace and I stayed home. She busied herself with taking all of the books off of her shelf a half a dozen times, and I busied myself with replacing those same books and patiently trying to teach her that they need to stay on the shelf. In addition to that I

• washed, dried, and folded a few loads of laundry


• washed dishes in the sink


• load and unloaded the dishwasher


• cleaned out the refrigerator


• vacuumed


• moved the mattress and box springs off of our bed in order to inspect the frame and put it all back together (Chris doesn't know I did this since he was gone, but I guess now the cat's out of the bag!)
  


• cleared several piles of books, papers, clothes, and various other random items from around the house


• took care of Willow Grace (a full time job all on its own)

Next weekend looks to be just as or even more busy than this one, and we'll be traveling the week after that. Maybe some day, somehow, we'll enjoy one of those do-nothing weekends of the past. Hmm, maybe when we're in our 80's....

Edit: Here's a pic I promised of our first fire.

Song of the Morning Dove

Mom has an interesting clock in her kitchen. Each hour is represented by a picture of a bird, and that bird’s trill of a song plays out instead of a chime when his hours is struck. The seventh hour is marked by the song of the morning dove, which has a light, harmonious quality.

(In this picture, I have less than ten precious minutes left before I have to rush off to work. )

I try to make it to Mom’s house by 6:45 each morning to drop off Willow Grace. That gives me 15 minutes before I have to leave to make it through traffic and get to work by 7:30. What a precious 15 minutes! How fast it always goes! After I walk in the door, I’m busily talking with Mom, unpacking Willow Grace’s breakfast and bottles, and coaxing giggles from my little darling. Most mornings I get lost in the mini-visit and can’t believe that the time has zipped by so fast when I hear the morning dove. However, there are those mornings when tension seems to creep into my very bones while I await that little melody. As soon as I hear those dreaded notes, I gather my little girl in my arms and request a last kiss, which she sweetly gives. Then I pass her off to Mom, grab my purse and keys, and head out the front door while constantly looking back to wave bye-bye and hoping to see that chubby little hand waving back.


(This was taken just before I headed on the door from dropping Willow Grace off on Friday.)


While I miss my sweet girl so much each day, I do want to say that I am so thankful for my job, and I know it’s where God wants me. I am also thankful that Willow Grace gets to spend her days with, truly, two of the most amazing women on earth – my mom and my mother-in-law (on Wednesdays). We are amazingly blessed to have them in our lives.

Oh, and tomorrow, I actually get to take my little angel to work with me! We have inservice, and I don't have any meetings, so they're letting her spend the day with me. What an amazing gift!

Mini-Vaca

Last Saturday morning, we rose early in order to get ready for our mini-vaca to Gatlinburg. Having packed the Rover the night before, we had little left to do other than getting ourselves ready, so we took a quick breakfast and headed out. We stopped briefly to pick up my cousin, Bootsie, her husband, Stacy, and their 17 month old son, Christian, who would be our traveling companions.

What a beautiful weekend! We enjoyed perfect weather, great company, a spatious villa with a full kitchen, a thrilling visit to Ripley’s Aquarium of the Smokies, yummy food, and lots of time out on the balcony taking in the gorgeous view from our rocking chairs. Bootsie and I especially loved rocking our babies to sleep in the evening out on the balcony. We didn't come back until Monday, so I've been pretty busy and have just had the chance to blog about it all.

Here's a few pics:

These are mostly from our time in our villa. The one of the kids is from the front porch of the pancake house across the street from our villa.




These are all pics from the aquarium:





On Sunday, Chris, Willow Grace, and I journeyed to Knoxville for our nephew’s baptism. This is the one good picture I have from Drew's baptism. (Chris, Willow Grace, and her Pop -Ronnie)

Ode to Bella

Four and a half years ago, Chris and I had just been dating a few months when we drove out to a farm near Spring Hill to see if we wanted a take home, for free, a puppy. A family had a large litter of half Great Pyranees/half Lab puppies. Even though he said we were just going to look, Chris knew that we’d end up falling in love with one and taking it home. This sweet, little black and white bundle of fur scampered up to Chris and plopped down on his feet as if declaring, “Here I am. I’m yours; take me home.” It was over; our hearts were won, and we left with her.

(This is Bella with her brothers and sisters before we took her home. She's the black & white one stretched across the middle.)

What a dog she turned out to be! Massively large at over a 100 pounds, slobbery, endless energy, mighty booming bark, so loving and affectionate… we miss our beast of a dog, but she’s happily residing with Ronnie and Donitta, Chris’s parents, and keeping their Huskie, Tasha, in good company. They’re just a couple of girlfriends hanging out in the yard.

Willow Grace’s favorite word to say is “Be-wah.” She loves that crazy dog just as much as Chris and I. Even that startling thunderous bark draws giggles from her every time. There’s just something about that sweet Bella that causes Willow Grace to repeat her name about 100 times a day all week long. Every Wednesday, Donitta keeps Willow Grace for me while I work, and so she gets to visit with Bella a few times on those days. Not only does her Gran-Gran taker her out but Ronnie, Willow Grace’s Pop, always comes home for lunch and makes sure to take her outside to visit with the dogs and to see the birds gathered around the different feeders.

For our part, Chris and I miss Bella patrolling our home to check on us when we’re in different rooms, running back and forth under our legs when we’re laying across the bed with our feet hanging off one side, sleeping in a patch of sunshine coming through the window with one paw over her eyes, going for walks with us, making us laugh when she would pass gas and then stretching back to confusedly look at her backside like she just couldn’t understand what just happened, and keeping us company when one or the other of us was away from home.

(This was taken in our old apartment when Bella still lived with us. She's big, huh?)

Yes, we miss that sweet girl, but we are so glad that she is safe and happy and where she needs to be. It’s a blessing that Willow Grace still gets the joy of knowing and experiencing Bella and that we can see her whenever we want.

We love our Bella!

I Wish....

For the last two days I've been staring at a lighted sign on the wall to the left of my desk. Spelled out in white twinkle lights are the words "I Wish..." Tonight and Saturday the high school fine arts students will be performing the musical Into the Woods. Have you seen it? It's a hodge podge of different fairy tales (Little Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel, Cinderella, Jack & the Beanstalk, etc.) all coming together in crazy ways. All of the characters are wishing for different things which eventually come true but have unexpected consequences. It really makes you think about the old adage, "Be careful what you wish for."

What do I wish for? I have so, so many. Here's just a few:

Normal wishes:
-to grow closer to God & help others to do the same
-to have more time with my family
-to be healthy and fit
-to have more children

BIG wishes:
-to have enough money to take care of my whole family, not just Chris & Willow Grace but also our parents & siblings' families
-to own our own large farm on which we can run a camp

I could keep going. I have so many dreams. It makes me think of a quote from Clint Eastwood in The Bridges of Madison County. He said, "The old dreams were good dreams. They didn't work out, but I had them." Keep wishing. Keep dreaming. Some of them do come true.

What do you wish for?

3 Reasons I Love Wednesday

Sometimes Wednesday gets a bad wrap. “It’s only ½ way through the week.” “If I can just get past Hump Day….” Well, being the optimist that I am, I try to find reasons to appreciate each day of the week, every season of the year, and just as much of life as possible. So, anyway, here’s to Wednesday!

1. We only get two newspapers a week at our house – Wednesday and Sunday. I get excited when I see that Wednesday paper lying on the sidewalk outside our door. I love looking through the paper on Wednesday for new recipes and other interesting tidbits.
2. Usually I drive my daughter to my mom’s house; however, on Wednesdays, my mother-in-law meets me @ work to pick up Willow Grace which means that I have extra time in the morning to spend with Chris and the baby. I can even stop by the Starbucks for a special treat on the way to work! Mmmm, caramel macchiato!
3. On Wednesday mornings I do the “Hips, Buns, and Thighs” workout from my Hip Hop Abs videos. It totally rocks! It really kicks my butt right now, but it’s so much fun! (I’m really enjoying my endorphins today!)

I hope that your Wednesday turns out wonderful!

Camera Drama

Thank God! We finally have a working camera. Last night we spent a bit of time trying to figure it all out. Very soon I’m sure that my posts will be full of pictures. I can’t wait. I feel like I’ve missed so much in the last several weeks. Babies change so much, sometimes in big ways from day to day. Also, I’ve realized that we really don’t have any recent (good) shots of Chris and me. We need to do something about that.

I must shout out a thank you or two here. First of all, I’m so thankful to my wonderful brother-in-law, Matt, who helped us to get a great deal on the camera. Yea, Matt! Also, thanks is due to my mother-in-law who very graciously gave us two disposable digital cameras to help us until we could get something more permanent. I would have missed some really sweet moments if not for those two little gifts.

Yesterday we were able to have lunch at Olive Garden with my sister, Eva, and the aforementioned brother-in-law. Since they live about an hour away, we don’t’ get to see them very often (a fact I hate). Strangely enough, we did not really enjoy the actual food, but at least the company was quite pleasant. It was so nice to sit and visit with them for a while and then run a couple errands with them afterwards, which included buying a new camera and picking up the portraits for Willow Grace’s 12 month pictures (some of which I’ve already posted here).

Here’s a few more little nuggets from that session.

This is the shot we choose for wallets.We're doing a collage of sorts with shots from her 3, 6, 9, and 12 month portraits. In each one she's wearing a dress, and they are done in sepia. This our choice for the 12 month session. I'll post all four of them together soon so you can see the progression.